Mothers and Other Liars

Mothers and Other Liars by Amy Bourret

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Mothers and Other Liars is the story of a teenager who finds an infant and decides to raise her as her own. Almost 10 years later, she reads an article in a magazine and finds out that the baby’s parents are searching for their infant who was kidnapped by carjackers. From that point on, the story unfolds in the midst of the ethical dilemmas of whether or not to turn to the legal system, parental rights, and how to cope when time with your children has been lost.

Like many of the other reviewers on goodreads, I’m unsure of how to rate this book. Yes, the story is unrealistic and too “neat”, but it also stirred a lot of emotion in me. I cried as I read. I didn’t want to put it down. On the other hand, I also found myself incredibly frustrated with the characters…often annoyed at their selfishness.

I think this would be a good book for a book club, because there are a lot of opportunities for ethical discussions that would be interesting to hash out.
View all my reviews

The Family Dinner

People say they don’t have time to cook, yet in the last few years we have found an extra two hours a day for the internet. — Michael Pollan, author of The Omnivore’s Dilemma

There is nothing like a crisis to remind you of what is important in life.

Over the past few months, as my family has adjusted to our current, leukemia-battling life, I’ve come to appreciate just how important family dinners are for all of us. When my mom was released from the hospital after her induction therapy, I realized that cooking big dinners for my parents and my family was healing for me. I’ve always loved food, and I show love with healthy, yummy food, so it just felt “right”.

Not surprisingly, as times of higher-stress have come… times when I’ve been at the hospital for large chunks of time (including dinner time), we’ve eaten out more. Not only have our bodies screamed that they don’t appreciate crappy food, but so have our spirits. It just isn’t the same.

So, it isn’t a shock that I was instantly drawn to The Family Dinner: Great Ways to Connect with Your Kids, One Meal at a Time by Laurie David. Part book and part cookbook, it is a nice reminder of why I value family meals so much.

The encouragement, recipes, and ideas for family rituals are really beautiful. I love the place setting, conversation starters, table games and music ideas. Each recipe includes a list of prep/cooking items that kids can do. Are these things necessary for a great family meal? Absolutely not. They are fun, though :)

Some parts of our family meals have been harder to keep up during this high-stress time, and one of those was our Shabbat meal with homemade challah bread. It is something that my kids love — the fresh bread, lighting candles, giving thanks… I smiled when I saw Shabbat meals mentioned in the first chapter and again later in the book, and realized that I’ve really missed those Friday night meals. I’m re-instituting them, effective immediately ;)

…I think Shabbat is a perfect concept for any family, regardless of religion. It’s just too great an idea not to do your own version: a special night once a week where everyone knows they will sit leisurely around the table, take stock of the week’s highs and lows, and savor family, food, and friends… — The Family Dinner pg. 199

On top of everything else: This book is just beautiful. The quotes and photography are lovely, and it is a joy to read. I can see how it’d be an encouragement for both those who already practice a family dinner or for those who want to start one.

(For the record, I didn’t get a free copy or any compensation. I had to check the book out at the library ;) )

Starbucked

I am not sure what led me to pick up Starbucked, but I am glad that I did. I’ve certainly had my fair share of frappuccinos over the years, but I am hardly a Starbucks loyalist. As far as coffee chains go, I actually really prefer Caribou Coffee, which, thanks to this book, I now know is owned by an Islamic group that requires them to follow portions of Shari’ah Law. I had no idea…

But, back to Starbucks:

Clark starts out by discussing the draw of Starbucks. I hadn’t considered it before, but this section spurred a lot of thought in my mind and amongst me and my friends. Starbucks is marketed as a way to indulge yourself and it is an inexpensive way to have something that seems luxurious. For only a few dollars, you can feel like you are pampering yourself. The marketing is brilliant, and the demand for their product is seemingly endless.

Clark also discusses the placement of Starbucks stores. Years ago, Starbucks executives realized that they could put in a store directly across the street from another store, and it would draw an almost completely different crowd. The Starbucks real estate team is top-notch, and they evaluate not just neighborhood education levels, number of children, and where traffic flows, but also the number of times a person visits a shopping center (dry cleaners and video stores are great neighbors for Starbucks, because you have to go back a second time to drop off or pick up items) or even the number of oil stains in a parking lot. Starbucks is perfectly happy to offer large sums of money to landlords in order to oust competitive coffee stores. They will even leave a retail space empty, just to keep it from being occupied by a competitor.

On the other hand, Starbucks has created an industry where one didn’t exist before, and this has greatly benefited local coffee shops. Even though Caribou, the next biggest competitor to Starbucks, has only about 1/4 the number of stores, smaller coffee shops have a very good success rate. The success is far better than that of independently owned restaurants. Also, independent shops tend to do very well when they are located near a Starbucks. It seems that people get hooked on Starbucks drinks (which are mostly milk — they contain just a few cents worth of coffee) and then they venture out and try local places.

This book is filled with these kind of dichotomies. Clark discusses the start of Starbucks (did you know that one of the founders of Starbucks bought Peet’s coffee, which was their initial inspiration, and sold Starbucks?), the coffee bean industry, the fair-trade debate, the way that Starbucks treats its employees, the way that Starbucks kills culture when it invades a new country, the fact that Starbucks basically sells milk, the fact that the espresso at Starbucks is no longer made by the baristas, but by machines, and so much more. It all goes back to what I said above… Starbucks is a big corporate monster, and yet Starbucks has helped a lot of people too. It isn’t black-and-white, and that is precisely why I liked this book. It would’ve been easy to take one side or the other (read Pour Your Heart Into It, the book written by the long-time CEO of Starbucks if you’re looking for a one-sided view.)

I don’t plan on frequenting Starbucks. I will continue to support the local coffee shops and the smaller chains, but I can appreciate the way that Starbucks has changed our world, both for good and for bad. This book was a fairly entertaining read, and I will never look at the coffee industry in the same way!

52 books… Want to join me?

This year I’m trying to read 52 books. I’m currently right on track, woohoo! My handy Kindle has been a great help, because I can read behind my nursling’s head without distracting her. Turning pages on a real book inevitably makes her reach and grab. Hooray for e-ink!

So, here are my first three books of the year:

#1 – Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte
Jane Eyre

I really have no idea how I made it this far in my life without reading Jane Eyre. It was such a great book. I have every intention of re-reading it, because I loved it so much. I was excited to find out that a new movie version is going to be released soon. I definitely want to see it!

#2 – Listening to Your Hormones by Gillian Ford
This really wasn’t a bad book, but it wasn’t my absolute favorite. She has a lot of great information about hormones and the female reproductive system, but I didn’t like how much she focused on taking hormones as a remedy. I think her approach is valuable for women with serious problems, but that most women could benefit from more natural remedies.

#3 – Lives in the Balance: Nurses’ Stories from the ICU
Lives in the Balance

Admittedly, I decided to read this book when I saw that it was offered for free on the Kindle. I was nursing a sleepy baby and wanted something new to read while she dozed off…

Although this book was clearly not penned by professional authors, it is still quite good. I enjoyed it, and I appreciated the glimpse into the lives of nurses in the ICU. It was far less gory than I expected, and instead focused almost exclusively on the emotional and relational aspects of the job. I’m really glad that I gave it a try.

….And, I have one more book that I want to mention, even though I technically read it last year (I finished on December 28th.)


Unbroken: A World War II Story of Survival, Resilience, and Redemption
Unbroken

I am a make-love-not-war kind of girl, so I wasn’t sure how interested I’d be in a story that revolves around war and the cruelties that take place therein. I am SO glad that I decided to read it. The story is very well-told, and it was difficult to put down even during the parts of the book that dealt with sensitive subject matters. You really couldn’t ask for a better message, and I found this story to be really inspiring.

In reading Unbroken, I was reminded of how lacking my modern history exposure was in high school. Inevitably, we’d run out of time before the end of the year, so we’d learn something like “…then there was the great depression, two world wars, Kennedy, Vietnam, Reagan, and then today!” We never went into any detail. Reading more details about the second World War was fascinating. I can imagine reading portions of this book with my children when they’re older (maybe the whole thing… when they’re MUCH older), because she does such a great job of making the topic engaging. It is truly a Living Book, as Charlotte Mason would say.

Well, I’m off to read some more. I hope everyone is having a great new year!

Time Spent Together

The National Family Institute reported that the average American child spends 12.5 minutes each day communicating with her parents. Of that time, 8.5 minutes are spent on corrections, criticisms, or arguments. A University of Iowa study revealed that on average, a child hears 432 negative comments daily, compared to 32 positive ones (Hochschild, 1997.)

Isn’t that a scary number?

Here’s another one:

If you concentrate on playing with young children for at least five minutes a day, you may reduce power struggles by as much as fifty percent.

Amen! I completely agree!

I’ve been reading Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Becky Bailey for the past few weeks, and it has been wonderful. It has really been the perfect timing for me. As with almost all parenting books we read, Joe and I have been using the techniques primarily on ourselves, lol. It is humbling to see all of the ways that we can improve. What I really love about this book is the focus on your own thought patterns and how they impact your relationships with others.

I hope to come back and discuss it more… Hopefully in the next week! I am insanely busy between the kids, midwifery school, finishing my doula certification, working on my herbalism class, and taking a few web design jobs. Hopefully it’ll slow down soon… I have a big assignment to turn in for my midwifery school and I expect to have a little more blogging time once it is submitted. :) (Well, except then it’ll be time to work on the next big assignment, LOL!)

Christ and Firing Squads

Today I was reading this story:

Condemned Utah Killer Will Face Firing Squad

http://abcnews.go.com/US/TheLaw/wirestory?id=10455328&page=2

I am not sure why I clicked on it… I am guessing that it has something to do with how bizarre it sounds to still have people facing firing squads. As I was reading the article, two things struck me that I wanted to flesh out somewhere.

The article says

…despite Utah’s strong religious roots — it’s the home of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints — most here support the use of the death penalty.

“I think in Utah, when it suits their purposes, they go back to the Old Testament and the ‘eye for an eye’ kind of thing,” Kalish said. “These people may be the worst of the worst, but if the best we can do is repeat the same thing, it’s so obviously wrong.”

I am always amazed that the “religious right” is also associated with the death penalty. It just seems so ridiculous. Let me preface by saying that this is a difficult subject for me. I have friends who have had family members murdered, and part of me feels uncomfortable telling them what should happen to someone who destroyed their family. At the same time, I don’t see any way that you can justify it as the “Christian” thing to do. I don’t think that anyone should have a right to have someone else killed just because they did the same. As the quote above says, ‘if the best we can do is the same thing, it’s so obviously wrong.’

As Shane Claiborne says in Jesus for President,

Violence kills the image of God in us… Violence goes against everything we are created for — to love and be loved — so it inevitably ends in misery and suicide, either literal or metaphorical.

When people succumb to violence, it infects them like a disease or poison that leads to their own death. Judas, the disciple who betrayed Jesus with a violent kiss, ended his life by hanging himself… Columbine, the 2006 Amish school shooting, the 9/11 terrorist attacks, the Virginia Tech massacre — each ended with suicide.

It’s in moments like these violent times that grace looks so magnificent. It’s in the shadow of violence that a victim’s grace to a muderer’s family shines so brightly, as in the aftermath of the Amish school shooting. It’s even more scandalous to think of killing someone who kills, for they, more than anyone in the world, need to hear that they are created for something better than that.

The second thing that stood out to me in the article was the fact that the man who was killed was also a pacifist.

“Michael would not be happy at all. Michael would have fought against the death penalty. That’s who he was,” said Temu, 62, a Salt Lake City-area funeral director who knew Burdell through their membership in the Summum church.

A pacifist who was drafted into the U.S. Army, Burdell served in Vietnam but vowed to never use a weapon on another person, Temu said.

To me, this makes it even more heartbreaking. The man who was killed would not have wanted his murderer’s life demanded in return. It is sad that the cycle of violence will continue on, and yet we know that redemptive violence is a myth. You cannot bring peace through violence. This act will ripple on as more are impacted through this execution.

Part of me wants to say that I don’t know what the answer is, but I truly believe that we Christians can see the answer by looking to the Bible. Why is it that the church has politically aligned ourselves with an idea that is so far from the concept of grace?

Nonviolent Communication

Oh man!

I have recently learned that I am apparently a very violent communicator.  My husband seems to be taking great joy in pointing this out, LOL. Luckily for me, he’s just as violent as I am, HA! (Wait, is that violent to say?!)  I guess I should write a couple of posts on this, but it basically comes down to the fact that I speak judgments.  I am a quick judge, and I tend to speak my judgments as fact.  I know its hard to believe, but speaking that way can put other people on the defensive.  (NO WAY?!)  So why do I do it?

Long before I reached adulthood, I learned to communicate in an impersonal way which did not require me to reveal what was going on inside myself.  When I encountered people or behaviors that I either didn’t like or didn’t understand, I would react in terms of their wrongness.  If my teachers assigned a task I didn’t want to do, they were “mean” or “unreasonable.”  If someone pulled out in front of me in traffic, my reaction would be, “You idiot!”  When we speak this language, we think and communicate in terms of what is wrong with others for behaving in a certain ways….

Ahh, yes.  That’s what I do.  I am afraid that I am the first one to judge others actions and think in terms of what others have done wrong.

Our attention is focused on classifying, analyzing, and determining factors of wrongness rather than on what we and others need and are not getting.  Thus, if my partner wants more affection than I’m giving her, she is “needy and dependent.”  But if I want more affection than she is giving me, then she is “aloof and insensitive.”  If my colleague is more concerned about details than I am, he is “picky and compulsive.”  On the other hand, if I am more concerned about details than he is, he is “sloppy and disorganized.”

Ohhh, sucky.  I do that too.  I speak like that often.

It is my belief that all such analyses of other human beings are tragic expressions of our own values and needs.  They are tragic because when we express our values and needs in this form, we increase defensiveness and resistance among the very people whose behaviors are of concern to us.  Or, if people do agree to act in harmony with our values, they will likely do so out of fear, guilt, or shame, because they concur with our analysis of their wrongness.

Crap, crap crap.  I don’t want people acting in harmony with me only because I’ve guilted or shamed them into it.  I really do want to build everyone up and live in peace.  It looks like I have a new project…

Seriously, this book is really awesome.  I’m afraid that I have yet to master communicating nonviolently, so you’ll have to wait for the solution in a future post.  For now, I can say that I realize that I communicate like scum, and I am trying to speak my feelings rather than judgments.  The hilarious thing is that I tell my kids to speak their feelings and needs all the time, and I somehow decided it doesn’t apply for grown ups.  Fantastic.

At least I can learn about my hypocrisy now, while they’re still young. :P

A disappointing ending

I finished The Powers That Be. Overall, I’d still recommend the book. I really am not a fan of the last chapter, though. I already returned it to the library. That means I don’t have any cool quotes to share, so we’ll both have to rely on my mommy brain to describe what I read.

Basically, he paints a picture of a weak God, IMO. He said that God would like to answer our prayers, but his hands are pretty much tied because the principalities and powers of nations/organizations/etc. are fighting it out in the heavenlies, and there’s not much God can do while they’re in the midst of it.

His theory is based on Daniel 10

12 Then he continued, “Do not be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to them. 13 But the prince of the Persian kingdom resisted me twenty-one days. Then Michael, one of the chief princes, came to help me, because I was detained there with the king of Persia. 14 Now I have come to explain to you what will happen to your people in the future, for the vision concerns a time yet to come.”

He says that the word used for princes is really talking about angels/principalities/powers, and that when we pray, they are battling it out. He says that God wants to answer our prayers, but has to wait for them to finish wrestling. If you google “Walter Wink Daniel 10″, you should get plenty of results (including the google books result) that will sum up his position quite nicely.

I guess my biggest issue is that it is a really big piece of theology to hang on one chapter from Apocalyptic literature. He might be absolutely right, although I am just not sold on the idea.

I think that ending the book with that particular argument could turn off a lot of people who would’ve been a lot more impressed in his work before that point. I don’t know. Its still a good book, but I didn’t love that chapter.

Recently finished books

I’ve been reading so much, but I haven’t had a chance to talk about all of them. Here’s a quick recap though of what I covered in the past month or so…

This is such a nice little book. Joe and I each read it in a matter of hours. It covers some really interesting historical facts about Christmas, and then focuses on ways to bring joy to the holiday without making it all commercial. He explains that “hundred dollar” part of the title was really just because it sounded good with the word “holiday”, and you can use any amount that you pick. I really enjoyed his suggestions and ideas for different ways to celebrate Christmas.

This was another fast read. I really enjoyed it, though. Peggy Vincent and I clearly have a few philosophical differences when it comes to midwifery, but I found her story to be very relatable and encouraging. As I continue to consider a path to midwifery, this book gave me pause and helped me to really contemplate what kind of midwife I’d like to be. Good stuff.

I was really enthralled by Heart & Hands. I couldn’t put it down. The funniest part was that I was taking it EVERYWHERE with me, and I was getting the strangest glances, LOL. I was at a birthday party with my daughter and reading about suturing techniques if a woman tears during childbirth. The other moms around me kept scooting in closer and closer to read over my shoulder. They couldn’t figure out what it was. Finally, one of them asked, so I explained what kind of book I was reading, and then I got a good hour of hearing about other women’s birth stories. It made me laugh, because I remember a quote in _Pushed_ that talked about how a midwife’s life is pretty much the same whether they are in or out of jail: they just hear other women’s birth stories. I have found it so intriguing that everyone wants to share their birth story as soon as I mention anything about birth work. Funny.

I’m not quite done with this book yet, but I’m really enjoying reading about all of the different philosophies and paths that bring women to midwifery. It is really helping me to figure out where my passion lies.

OK, I’m going to have to do a few entries on The Ministry of Motherhood, because it really made me think. I love Sally Clarkson’s writings, and I could read her books all day. Joe and I were talking over the weekend about how there are times when you feel convicted to do something, but then your resolve starts to waiver… until you pick up a book that gives you a swift kick in the butt and reminds you of why you wanted to change in the first place. That’s exactly what her books do for me. I start to slack, and then she reminds me to keep running the race!

I just finished my first, official, group Beth Moore study. I bought Breaking Free years ago, and really liked it, but I had never done a group study with the videos and all that jazz. It was a great experience. I loved the daily workbook stuff, and her teachings really coincided with stuff that God has been teaching me elsewhere.

Sadly, this isn’t even all of the books that I’ve read, but lunch is ready, so I have to run! If you’ve been reading anything interesting recently, please comment and let me know! I’m always on the hunt for good books!

The Gift of the Enemy

Continuing on, with my new best friend, Walter Wink.  LOL.  I don’t think that his ideas are that shocking, but I think it is shocking to see how few of them are applied in mainstream Christian circles.

 

So my last entry was about how we need to let go of the thought of ourselves as God’s favored, and our enemies as unloved. God loves everyone, and “is kind to the ungrateful and the wicked”, so maybe we should try a little of the same, eh?  We’re actually pretty sucky ourselves, in our natural state, so its time to get off of our high horses.

On to Mr. Wink (fantastic name, btw.)

Once the spell of the perfectionist reading has been exorcised, we begin to see just how far from perfect Jesus assumed we are.  ”Why do you see the speck in your neighbor’s eye, but do not notice the log in your own eye?  Or how can you say to your neighbor, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ while the log is in your own eye?  You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your neighbor’s eye.” (Matt. 7:3-5)

I really do love those verses.  I have lots o’ logs.

This is the earliest known teaching of what modern psychologists call projection…  The “splinter” in the other’s eye is a chip off the same log that is in one’s own eye.  We see in the other what we would not see in ourselves.  But why is it a log in the eye of the beholder?  Isn’t that backward?  Normally we say, “I may be somewhat bad (a splinter), but that person is really bad (a log).”  Why has Jesus inverted that conventional way of putting it?

Again, I suck at this.  I totally do this all the time.  God is working on me, and He is changing me, but I am so prone to this type of thinking.  I apparently tend to think that my poop doesn’t stink, because that’s how I act.

Because the log in my eye totally blinds me.  I can see nothing objectively.  Remove the log, and I can see to help my neighbor remove his or her splinter.  

I am super-blinded by my logs.  Its pathetic.

In workshops on this theme I invite people to name an enemy and list all the things they dislike about that person (or group or movement or nation).  Then we ask them to go through that list and ask how many of those characteristics are true also of themselves (or our group or movement or nation).  The common elements identify our projections.  These can be taken into our meditation, prayer, and spiritual guidance, to see what they have to teach us about ourselves.  (Some things on our lists may not be projections.  There are people who are objectively hostile, even evil.  Not every enemy is a gift.  I am focusing only on those enemies that draw our projections.)

OK, so I tried this mentally, and it was pretty disturbing.  This is not my first time doing this exercise.  I remember doing it in college, and have noticed that i am most annoyed by people who have the same faults as I do.  I think this is a great gift in parenting.  I recently did an exercise for a parenting Bible study that asked me to write down the things that frustrate me most in my family members.  My family members are obviously not my enemies, so that part doesn’t apply here, but I did find the list interesting.  The things that I struggled the most with knowing how to handle are also things that I am not so great at handling in myself.  Humbling.

Walter Wink gives some examples of things that frustrate you in others that you need to work on.  Then he says:

Revelations such as these (and they are precisely that) need to be treasured, because that is the gift our enemy brings to us: to see aspects of ourselves that we cannot discover any other way.  Our friends are not good sources of information about these things; they often overlook or ignore these parts of us.  The enemy is thus not merely a hurdle to be leapt on the way to God.  The enemy can be the way to God.  We cannot come to terms with our shadow except through our enemy, for we have no better access to those unacceptable parts of ourselves that need redeeming than through the mirror that our enemies hold up to us.  This, then, is another, more intimate reason for loving our enemies: we are dependent on our enemies for our very individuation.  We cannot be whole people without them.

How wonderfully humiliating: we not only may have a role in transforming our enemies, but our enemies can play a role in transforming us.

What?  I’m not the savior of them?!  They help me?!  Craziness.

As we become aware of our projections on our enemies, we are freed from the fear that we will overreact murderously toward them.  We are able to develop an objective rage at the injustices they have perpetrated while still seeing them as children of God.  The energy squandered nursing hatred becomes available to God for confronting the wrong or transforming the relationship.

I have found this to be true, although I think I am still in my infancy in this process.  Being able to step back and still see those who hurt you as children of God is so freeing, but so difficult (at least for me.)

An understanding of the Powers makes forgiveness of our enemies easier.  If our oppressors “know not what they do,” if they, too, are victims of the delusional system, then the real target of our hate and anger can be the system itself rather than those who carry out its bidding.  ”For our struggle is not against enemies of blood and flesh, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers of this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places” (Eph. 6:12).  We can pray for the transformation of our enemies, knowing that even the most intractable opponents may be capable of complete turnabout, and that some have actually done so.

Interestingly enough, this was the topic of my Beth Moore study last night.  Once again, when Beth Moore agrees with practically anyone else that I’m studying, then I think that’s a big deal.  I’m pretty sure that pretty much the only thing that overlaps between these authors is Christ, LOL.

Joe and I had a discussion about how all of this relates to America’s position in the world, and it was really good.  We both realize how much we’ve bought into the myth of redemptive violence – the idea that violence makes peace.  Somehow it seems like so much of mainstream Christianity is saying that we can accomplish peace through violence, and yet that was not the way of Christ at all.  Are there times when we must stand up against evil and cruelty?  Absolutely.  Is violence the only way to do that?  Of course not.  

We can look to history to see example after example of nations being healed without violence.  Even our own revolution in America had many non-violent aspects.  We just abandoned them for war.  The problem is that violence breeds violence, and its not like it really even works.  Lets just look around.  Does the world look more peaceful?  Uh, no.  More civilians were killed in the 20th century than in every century before that combined.  Clearly our methods of violence aren’t making for a more peaceful world, and we know its not what Christ taught.  How is it that Christianity in America has become so entangled with the myth of redemptive violence?

I don’t know the answer.  I did find it interesting to try the above exercise with America’s enemies vs. America.  We don’t exactly come out looking like roses.  ;)  We’re not all bad, of course, and we do a lot of things very well.  I also believe that America, on a whole, is trying to do the right thing.  I think it is just easy to get misguided.

So… if I come up with a solution to world peace, I’ll let you know.  Until then, I’m going to keep working on applying these examples in my (much smaller and more manageable) day-to-day life.