HippieMommy

posted by amanda on May 10

In Chapter 4 of The Mission of Motherhood, Sally Clarkson explores the idea of a “Servant Mother”. I find this to be a very controversial subject, and I’m really impressed that she took it on.

Last week I was listening to the Natural Moms Talk Radio podcast and Kelly Nault was on the program. Ms. Nault wrote the book When You’re About to Go Off the Deep End, Don’t Take Your Kids With You. I haven’t read the book, but I really enjoyed the podcast. In there they discussed a lot of great things, including the Continuum Concept, which I’m always happy to hear discussed

One thing that I was thinking about during the podcast was Ms. Nault talking about how moms need to take time for themselves. I totally agree. I think that so many moms are already at their wits ends, and then they have nothing left to give to their children. Ms. Nault had three steps towards being a better mom, and taking care of yourself was first and the last one was to take time for spiritual matters. I thought these were a bit backwards, but whatever…

I think that in this chapter Sally Clarkson does an excellent job of hitting the balance point between selfishness and running yourself ragged… and yet at the same time telling you to give yourself as Christ gave. Yes, we have to be full, but that can be taken too far. Allow me to share some quotes…

…children, by definition, take up our time. They’re supposed to do that; it’s the way God made them. But if we don’t recognize or accept that fact…as many mothers today don’t–we’re bound to make things difficult for ourselves and our children.

In my own life, I have noticed that the times that I get frustrated are the times where I’m trying to do too much and I am expecting no one to get in my way. That’s simply not realistic.

I had years of time as a single woman when I was ruler over most of my minutes. I decided when I would eat, sleep, vacation, work, or meet someone for lunch. I decided these issues according to my needs and desires.
But once I had my children, as any mother will understand, my time was never my own again! Children simply don’t fit into neat little time packages.

I can admit that there have been times when I’ve looked back fondly on the days when I could sleep in, go to lunch, or stay up late without fear of someone waking me up just minutes after I finally went to bed. I think its good to understand and expect that this is the way that God made children, and its not something to resent them for. We all needed it as children.

When we realize and accept that serving our children means giving them whatever time they need, whenever they need it, we will be far less likely to fall into… bitterness and resentment…

Exactly.

I regret the time I wasted in the early years of my children’s lives because I didn’t have a realistic understanding of what motherhood would cost me in the regard. I did enjoy being with them– usually. But I also tended to chafe at the demands these little ones made on my time and energy. I would become irritated or frazzled by their whining or clinging to me or crying.

She goes on to talk about how the life of a SAHM is filled with repetitive tasks that are constantly being undone. Kids always need you and if you don’t expect that, you will get upset. She says that this struggle between selfishness and selflessness is a normal battle, but its one that often makes us feel riddled with guilt.

I can’t even express how wonderful it is to read words from a mother who has already been through this phase in her life. Its so nice to be able to learn from her wisdom. She shares her experience when she has her last child six years after her next to last, so she had time to learn these things

I had lived through the early youth of my other three children and had seen that they really did grow up quickly. Finally, by experience, I understood that the dependent stage of early childhood was only for a season. I could see how important it was to enjoy each day and treasure these moments of early life with my children, because the years did pass quickly.

I am so grateful to learn from her experience and for this reminder.

As she wraps up the chapter, she gives some more practical applications for being a servant mother.

We mothers need to recognize what a powerful effect our attitude has on our children. Laying down our lives for them can indeed mean giving up, for their sakes, our right to wallow in our negative feelings. And choosing the path of servant leadership certainly means making the effort to respond in faith to our circumstances and our feelings, turning to the Lord for help in maintaining a hopeful attitude. The beauty of such an effort, of course, is that it has the power to lift us up even as it sustains our children’s spirits.

I read this last night, and it inspired me to set my alarm and get up early this morning. I cleaned the house before bed and set out my clothes for the day. I woke up expecting to wake up (rather than grumbling and surprised that it was already morning), and it has already made such a huge difference. My area of selfishness is definitely sleep. Well… sleep and computer time The time that I get frustrated on the computer is if I’m trying to do work or school and I am unable to concentrate. I don’t take it out on my kids, but I know that they sense my stress. I should devote my time to them during the day and do my work/school at night or in the mornings before they’re up and moving around. Anyways, I’ve learned a lot from this chapter, and I look forward to applying it

posted by amanda on May 10

A little secret: When I clean, I listen to my iPod

I usually try to find something nice to listen to - something inspirational. I like finding new podcasts. Some of my favorites right now are Natural Moms Talks Radio and Vegetarian Food for Thought, although I’m always looking for something new, so let me know if you have a good one! I also listen to a couple of mainstream broadcasts on my iPod, and Family Life Today is one of them. I certainly don’t agree with 100% of what they say, but I think they say a lot of great things. I learn a lot, even if I don’t agree with them

This week’s episodes of Family Life Today were entitled “Say Goodbye to Whining” and the guests were Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller. I have heard a bit about Turansky in the past, and I was looking forward to the series. It was a mixed bag, although I liked a lot of what was said.

Part of what was discussed was that Turansky and Miller emphasize honor in your house… not only for your kids, but for you first. They have this little printout thing that lists the three points of honor:

• Treating people as special
• Doing more than what’s expected
• Having a good attitude

Although I think it’d be wonderful for my kids to already know and live this 100% of the time, I really want to model it. Quite frankly, if I can’t do it with consistency, its going to be hard to convince my kids that its the right way to live. I’ve been thinking about it for the past few days, and I have been trying to find ways to meet each of these bullet points. I’m trying to go above and beyond whether I’m cleaning, playing, or talking on the phone I’ll admit that its been challenging, but it really feels good. It feels good to do more than what’s expected. I’ve really been enjoying it, and its really been a blessing to me and to my family.

I’m not trying to prove that “All Truth Is God’s Truth“, but when I learn little lessons like this from unexpected places or people who I usually disagree with on parenting styles, it is a great reminder that listening to different points of view can teach you a whole bunch

posted by amanda on May 9

Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

In Chapter 8 of Families Where Grace is in Place, Jeff VanVonderen tackles the misconceptions of this verse, and gives some really practical advice. I’d love to chat about it

Is Paul telling parents that they should never do anything about which their kids will feel angry? Not at all. Children are sometimes going to feel angry when they are asked to do things they’d rather not do. This may even be often for some children. A person’s anger is their own responsibility.

I’m glad that he tackled this issue right in the beginning. Obviously it is not a parent’s job to make sure that their kids are happy all the time. At the same time, we are commanded by scripture not to provoke our children to anger. What does this mean?

Perigismos, the word that appears in our Ephesians versee… means “seething hostility,” and it refers to anger that is forced to exist beneath the surface, or suppressed anger. Unfortunately many Christians think this is what we are supposed to do with anger–just conceal it where it can’t be seen. The text clearly shows that concealing anger is not a good thing to do.

Isn’t this the truth? How many Christians do this with their anger? He goes on to talk about what many call “righteous anger” and how even then, the sun should not go down and we should be talking it over with the person with whom we are angry. It shouldn’t be suppressed or forced to exist inside of us.

So what are some of the ways that we could provoke our children to anger?

1. Not allowing our children to express their anger.

Mr. Vanvonderen talks about how we may ask a child to stop watching tv to do their chores, and this may make them mad. This is not bad. He says:

…you may get an answer like; “I’m really angry that I have to do this,” or the child may simply show his anger by stomping or complaining. In response, many Christian parents would say, “Don’t you ever let me hear you talk like that, [or act like that],” or “You are making Jesus sad by being angry,” or “Go to your room and don’t come out until you can be polite.” If so, you are provoking them to seethe…
…It is better to acknowledge their anger. Tell them that you appreciate their telling you about their anger, or the fact that they are angry, even though they may still be required to do the chore they don’t like.

I really liked his discussion in this section about how we should not make a child feel like it is his or her responsibility to make sure that Jesus is having a good day (”You’re making Jesus sad…”). It drives me nuts when people say that to their kids. Its like VanVonderen talks earlier in the book - when we use scripture or guilt to change someone, then that is manipulation.

Next

2. Living with Double Standards

If it’s not okay for the kids to litter, it’s not okay for you. If you want them to care about the law, you have to keep the speed limit… If you want your children to care about God and church, but in your heart you don’t–who are you kidding?

I LOVED this section, because it taught me a LOT! He talks about how we cannot have double standards, and this includes double standards with regards to anger. There are times where the children do things wrong, and it is easy to respond in anger, but that is not what we are called to do. Anger is just as wrong as what they are doing. We need to respond by controlling ourselves first, and then we can talk to them. This is especially true as your kids get older. If you expect them to use words when they’re angry, then we should use words too!

3. Speaking, thinking, and feeling for your kids

…When a mom or dad repeatedly discount a child’s feelings, then there is cause for real alarm.

He tells a story where a little girl and mother were shoe shopping and agreed that the only shoes that fit were ugly. Instead of acknowledging their common feelings, the mom tries to respond by telling the girl “Oh, we like these sandals, don’t we? And don’t we think they’re beautiful?” Um, no. Obviously not. If the mom had just acknowledged the disappointment and common feelings, it would’ve allowed her daughter to understand and not be discounted.

4. Turning a deaf ear

This one seems obvious to me. Children should be allowed to defend and share before they are disciplined. I can’t even tell you how frustrated I remember being when I was innocent and not given a chance to be heard.

5. When parents are absent

Again, this one seems fairly obvious. Kids will grow to resent you and feel inward anger if they feel neglected.

6. When we “shame” our children

This goes into name calling and giving messages that your children will never measure up. This sets them up for resentment and is not a Godly example.

So the whole point is that

Getting anger into hiding is not what Christian parenting is about

Amen! I can’t wait for Chapter 9!

posted by amanda on Mar 3

Although I have spent plenty of time trying to explain it, I still find that many of my friends (the non-GBD kind) don’t see how coming from a punitive mindset changes everything about their discipline, even if the actions that they take are very similar to those of us who practice grace-based discipline.

Last night I finished Crystal Lutton’s Biblical Parenting, and I felt that she concluded with a great discussion of this point. Here she is using the example of a teenager who is about to get her license.

A healthy boundary for a parent to set with regards to their vehicle is that no one without insurance may drive their car. Tell your daughter in advance, perhaps at a famliy meeting, what will happen if she doesn’t keep up the insurance payments. I suggest that she not be allowed to drive your car without insurance. If she misses a payment, take her license and keys. When she catches up on the premiums, return them. This is not punitive. It is logic an adolescent can follow, and it prevents the natural consequence of being in an accident without insurance or a ticket for the same, and your daughter knows the consequences beforehand. This same action would be punitive if done reactively. If you’ve never discussed what will happen if she doesn’t keep up the premiums, it’s punitive to enter her room and demand her keys. Everything within the window needs to be proactive, not reactive.

That makes perfect sense, right? The behavior of the parents can change whether their actions are punitive or not. Its not just what you do… its how you do it.

In the above quote, Crystal also references her “window” which I thought was a great visual for showing how we are to react to our children in a way that is neither permissive nor punitive. I wish she had it online (she may, but I can’t find it), because I’d love to discuss it, but it’d be hard without the pictures.

Now that I’m done with the book, let me say that I truly enjoyed it. I would love it if our small group could study it. My only comment/concern is that I honestly don’t know that many of the men of the group could handle it in Chapter 2 when Crystal says (in speaking of how gender roles and the role of community has changed)

Because of this ever-increasing reliance on a husband to help in parenting the baby and young child, men’s ideas on how to parent children of this age have become more pronounced and are often seen as the “expert” advice. However, it is the woman who has been designed and called by God to parent these young people and, while the help of a husband/father is vital in our culture today, the man would be wise to follow his wife’s lead during these early years.

I totally, absolutely, completely see where she’s coming from, but I know that the military men in our group would piss their pants when they read that. If it was later in the book, I think that we could have a great discussion, but I think that the fact that it is so close to the front means that they wouldn’t even go on. I am sure that was not her intention at all, and they’d see that if they kept reading, but I don’t think they’d ever touch the book again

I’m hoping that our current group book Families Where Grace Is In Place will be enough of a gateway that we could later do Crystal’s book

posted by amanda on Feb 24

http://aolff.org/

I’ve been devouring my way through Crystal Lutton’s Biblical Parenting this week. I have known Crystal for quite a while, so I feel like I’m doing this backwards, but when my friend had her book sitting on the couch, I couldn’t help but steal it, lol.

Yesterday’s lesson for me was on descriptive praise. I have often heard that you shouldn’t use subjective words like “pretty” or “good”, instead you should use descriptive praise. I wasn’t really sure that this would work, and I honestly wasn’t sure that it is how God works. I kept thinking of

Luke 19:17″ ‘Well done, my good servant!’ his master replied. ‘Because you have been trustworthy in a very small matter, take charge of ten cities.’”

Here it seemed to me that God was being both subjective and descriptive, but then I suppose that God knows what is well done or not, lol, so maybe its not subjective. Hmm, I’ll have to think about that.

Plus, non-descriptive praise is everywhere. Even Joe on Blue’s Clues tells kids they’re “really smart”. It didn’t seem like a huge deal to me. I’ve never told my kids that things that they do make them “good” or “bad”. I know that’s a big no-no.

Anyways, this quote in Crystal’s book helped to give me a nudge to change.

If your child brings you a picture tell them what you see. “You used lots of green. I see squiggly lines and some straight ones.” If your daughter asks what you think of her dress tell her what you see. “It’s blue and it has flowers.” You will be amazed at how her face lights up. My son calls me into his playroom to show me what he’s done with his cars and I tell him what I see. “You have lined them up and all the trucks are together.” He feels a sense of accomplishment and knows that I have noticed his hard work because I can tell him what he did.

So yesterday we made brownies. I’m using up the last of my Duncan Hines dairy-free mixes (which they’ve done away with, but that’s another blog entry). My 4-year-old son always pulls up a chair to stand next to me when I am mixing, and he always helps me to stir. He asked if he could do it all by himself, so I gave him the spatula. He stirred for a good minute, and did it to completion. Instead of my usual “Good job, you stirred the brownies.”, I said “You stirred the brownies completely. Now they’re ready to go in the pan.”. He looked like I had just told him that he had won a lifetime supply of toys, lol. He lit up, stood taller, and looked so proud. Its amazing what a difference of a few words can make!

Thank you, Crystal!

posted by amanda on Feb 18

This is a topic that I’ve been thinking about quite a bit recently. We’ve never had any kind of formal chore charts for our kids, but they are always happy to help when it comes time to pick up the house. They help enthusiastically and with a generous heart. I have thought about making charts, but I wonder if that will take some of the enjoyment and the gift of it away.

I found some lists online for what should be expected for each age, and my kids do pretty much everything on there. There are some things that don’t apply (like feeding pets - we don’t have any), but they are great about doing the items on there that apply to our family.

So I guess I’m just wondering what you do with your families. If you have a chart system, when did you start?