Last night I had a terrible nightmare that included one of my children being hurt.Â The thought of my children hurting is a million times worse than the thought of my own hurt.Â Even if I consider the possibility of my own death, the part that pains me the most is the pain that my children would feel.
So I awoke from my nightmare and started praying a drunkenly-tired prayer, which came out all wrong and only upset me more.Â I am terrible when I am sleepy.Â I know that lots of people do their best prayers at night, but I usually fall asleep trying.Â I try to tell myself that it is like drifting off asleep on the phone with someone you love, but I still feel a twinge of guilt for falling asleep to the almighty King.Â I checked on the kids and kissed them on their cheeks.Â Then I came back to bed and asked Joe to pray with me.Â My feeble attempt at a prayer had basically been one of protection.Â Joe started praying, and his was all about the will of God.Â I was struck by how his life experiences, including the death of his sister, have obviously given him a more mature perspective on prayer.Â He also prayed that God protect the kids, but his focus was just so different than my focus.
After his prayer, I fell asleep easily (and wasn’t crying anymore).Â I woke up this morning and decided finish Facing East by Frederica Mathewes-Green.Â I have learned so much from this book, and it has been great to get an insider’s view of orthodoxy.Â I’m still not convinced that it would ever be a fit for me, but I view orthodoxy very differently than I did before I started.Â I can also see how the desire for something more rooted and historical could lead a person to an Eastern Orthodox church.Â For me this desire has led to my Jewish roots, but I think that the basic desire for depth is the same.
In one of the chapters that I read today, she talks about what she will pray for in the upcoming year,
As C. S. Lewis says of the Christ-figure Aslan in the Narnia tales, “It’s not like he’s a tame lion.”Â All over the world, millions of times a day, people are praying, “Thy will be done.”Â And I think I can dispute that?Â Like, “Oh, I’m an exception.”Â If I’m stubborn enough, I can get my will done instead?
Isn’t it interesting that I was just thinking the same thing earlier today?Â It really is humbling.Â The truth is that if my dream were God’s will, then I’d have to accept it.Â I think I can get really sucked into our whole name-it-and-claim-it inspired brand of Christianity that does not reflect the truth of God’s character at all.Â I know many earnest Christians who did not want to die or be hurt and yet it still happened.Â Desire doesn’t change it.Â At least I can rest knowing that God knows best and that I do not need to fear.Â Letting go is a tough lesson though.