I had a wonderful appointment with my midwife today, and we heard my baby’s heartbeat.Â The kids were so excited.Â It was such a joyous moment.Â On the way home my son said “I like listening to the baby, mom.”
Me too.Â I like it a lot.
I was almost this far along when we lost our first baby.Â During all 3 pregnancies since the loss, I have become very nervous before hearing the heartbeat.Â For the past week or so I have felt like my general anxiety levels were much higher, although I couldn’t put my finger on it.Â After hearing the heartbeat, I realizedÂ that this fear was causing my stress.Â It melted away.Â Even though I know that I didn’t cause my miscarriage, it still haunts me in many ways, and I guess this is one of them.
So I am now letting myself plan for our new baby. Â I didn’t realize how much I was holding back until after I heard the heartbeat.Â Now it is really hitting me.Â There is so much to plan – so much to do.Â I almost feel like I am starting over.Â I keep remembering things I need: “Oh yeah, I need to grab the cloth diapers.Â Where are my newborn clothes?Â Do I still have a baby bath?Â Has my Lansinoh expired? …. “
Last night I went to a water aerobics class for pregnant and postpartum women, and there was a lady in there who had just given birth 7 weeks ago.Â She was nervous and asking to borrow a cell phone because the baby was home with her husband.Â When I looked at her face, all of those “new mom” emotions flooded back to me.Â I can’t believe its all about to happen again.