HippieMommy

posted by amanda on May 9

Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

In Chapter 8 of Families Where Grace is in Place, Jeff VanVonderen tackles the misconceptions of this verse, and gives some really practical advice. I’d love to chat about it

Is Paul telling parents that they should never do anything about which their kids will feel angry? Not at all. Children are sometimes going to feel angry when they are asked to do things they’d rather not do. This may even be often for some children. A person’s anger is their own responsibility.

I’m glad that he tackled this issue right in the beginning. Obviously it is not a parent’s job to make sure that their kids are happy all the time. At the same time, we are commanded by scripture not to provoke our children to anger. What does this mean?

Perigismos, the word that appears in our Ephesians versee… means “seething hostility,” and it refers to anger that is forced to exist beneath the surface, or suppressed anger. Unfortunately many Christians think this is what we are supposed to do with anger–just conceal it where it can’t be seen. The text clearly shows that concealing anger is not a good thing to do.

Isn’t this the truth? How many Christians do this with their anger? He goes on to talk about what many call “righteous anger” and how even then, the sun should not go down and we should be talking it over with the person with whom we are angry. It shouldn’t be suppressed or forced to exist inside of us.

So what are some of the ways that we could provoke our children to anger?

1. Not allowing our children to express their anger.

Mr. Vanvonderen talks about how we may ask a child to stop watching tv to do their chores, and this may make them mad. This is not bad. He says:

…you may get an answer like; “I’m really angry that I have to do this,” or the child may simply show his anger by stomping or complaining. In response, many Christian parents would say, “Don’t you ever let me hear you talk like that, [or act like that],” or “You are making Jesus sad by being angry,” or “Go to your room and don’t come out until you can be polite.” If so, you are provoking them to seethe…
…It is better to acknowledge their anger. Tell them that you appreciate their telling you about their anger, or the fact that they are angry, even though they may still be required to do the chore they don’t like.

I really liked his discussion in this section about how we should not make a child feel like it is his or her responsibility to make sure that Jesus is having a good day (”You’re making Jesus sad…”). It drives me nuts when people say that to their kids. Its like VanVonderen talks earlier in the book - when we use scripture or guilt to change someone, then that is manipulation.

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2. Living with Double Standards

If it’s not okay for the kids to litter, it’s not okay for you. If you want them to care about the law, you have to keep the speed limit… If you want your children to care about God and church, but in your heart you don’t–who are you kidding?

I LOVED this section, because it taught me a LOT! He talks about how we cannot have double standards, and this includes double standards with regards to anger. There are times where the children do things wrong, and it is easy to respond in anger, but that is not what we are called to do. Anger is just as wrong as what they are doing. We need to respond by controlling ourselves first, and then we can talk to them. This is especially true as your kids get older. If you expect them to use words when they’re angry, then we should use words too!

3. Speaking, thinking, and feeling for your kids

…When a mom or dad repeatedly discount a child’s feelings, then there is cause for real alarm.

He tells a story where a little girl and mother were shoe shopping and agreed that the only shoes that fit were ugly. Instead of acknowledging their common feelings, the mom tries to respond by telling the girl “Oh, we like these sandals, don’t we? And don’t we think they’re beautiful?” Um, no. Obviously not. If the mom had just acknowledged the disappointment and common feelings, it would’ve allowed her daughter to understand and not be discounted.

4. Turning a deaf ear

This one seems obvious to me. Children should be allowed to defend and share before they are disciplined. I can’t even tell you how frustrated I remember being when I was innocent and not given a chance to be heard.

5. When parents are absent

Again, this one seems fairly obvious. Kids will grow to resent you and feel inward anger if they feel neglected.

6. When we “shame” our children

This goes into name calling and giving messages that your children will never measure up. This sets them up for resentment and is not a Godly example.

So the whole point is that

Getting anger into hiding is not what Christian parenting is about

Amen! I can’t wait for Chapter 9!