Self-Improvement Books

Mar 27, 2009

Nonviolent Communication

Oh man!

I have recently learned that I am apparently a very violent communicator. My husband seems to be taking great joy in pointing this out, LOL. Luckily for me, he’s just as violent as I am, HA! (Wait, is that violent to say?!) I guess I should write a couple of posts on this, but it basically comes down to the fact that I speak judgments. I am a quick judge, and I tend to speak my judgments as fact. I know its hard to believe, but speaking that way can put other people on the defensive. (NO WAY?!) So why do I do it?

Long before I reached adulthood, I learned to communicate in an impersonal way which did not require me to reveal what was going on inside myself. When I encountered people or behaviors that I either didn’t like or didn’t understand, I would react in terms of their wrongness. If my teachers assigned a task I didn’t want to do, they were “mean” or “unreasonable.” If someone pulled out in front of me in traffic, my reaction would be, “You idiot!” When we speak this language, we think and communicate in terms of what is wrong with others for behaving in a certain ways….

Ahh, yes. That’s what I do. I am afraid that I am the first one to judge others actions and think in terms of what others have done wrong.

Our attention is focused on classifying, analyzing, and determining factors of wrongness rather than on what we and others need and are not getting. Thus, if my partner wants more affection than I’m giving her, she is “needy and dependent.” But if I want more affection than she is giving me, then she is “aloof and insensitive.” If my colleague is more concerned about details than I am, he is “picky and compulsive.” On the other hand, if I am more concerned about details than he is, he is “sloppy and disorganized.”

Ohhh, sucky. I do that too. I speak like that often.

It is my belief that all such analyses of other human beings are tragic expressions of our own values and needs. They are tragic because when we express our values and needs in this form, we increase defensiveness and resistance among the very people whose behaviors are of concern to us. Or, if people do agree to act in harmony with our values, they will likely do so out of fear, guilt, or shame, because they concur with our analysis of their wrongness.

Crap, crap crap. I don’t want people acting in harmony with me only because I’ve guilted or shamed them into it. I really do want to build everyone up and live in peace. It looks like I have a new project…

Seriously, this book is really awesome. I’m afraid that I have yet to master communicating nonviolently, so you’ll have to wait for the solution in a future post. For now, I can say that I realize that I communicate like scum, and I am trying to speak my feelings rather than judgments. The hilarious thing is that I tell my kids to speak their feelings and needs all the time, and I somehow decided it doesn’t apply for grown ups. Fantastic.

At least I can learn about my hypocrisy now, while they’re still young.

Filed Under: Nonviolent Communcation - Rosenberg ·

Sep 17, 2006

Life goals

By amanda · 2 Comments

As you can see in my VoluntarySimplicity post, I have recently been thinking a lot about what is important to me and what is just a waste of my time. I’ve really been convicted on the many ways that I misuse my time, and so I’m trying to correct it.

I decided to download and play with Life Balance, which is actually really cool. You write out your goals and the steps to get there and then it makes a to-do list for you that takes into account when you can do things, where you are going to be, and what must be done before other tasks can be done. I’m having fun playing with it. I found that they even have a plan you can download for Flylady (too bad I don’t use her system)!

As dh and I talked about it last night, we realized that our weaknesses in this area are actually very complimentary. Where I am weak, he is strong; Where he is weak, I am strong. So now we are working together to see what we can do to help each other out.

All of this has helped me realize that I have a lot of small goals that I was doing absolutely nothing to accomplish. They are important to me, but it does not appear that way when you look at my schedule. I’m hoping to change this.

If you have realized the same thing, especially if you are a couple of steps ahead of me in putting those goals into action, please comment! I’d love to hear what you’ve done.

Filed Under: Book Talk, Living Simply With Children - Sherlock, Self-Improvement Books, Voluntary Simplicity ·

Sep 9, 2006

Voluntary simplicity

By amanda · Leave a Comment

Contrary to some reports, simplicity is not about deprivation. Those practicing simplicity in North America typically are quite comfortable by global standards. They only thing they’ve given up is the unnecessary and unsatisfying excess that is common in America. In exchange, they receive the luxury of time, peace of mind, and happiness. – Marie Sherlock Living Simply With Children

I’ve never been that simple of a girl. Actually, I’ve always been a bit more of a material girl. I’ve been feeling led to change this though. All of the sudden I am having living-off-the-grid dreams. Its crazy.

I went to the library and checked out a few books on Voluntary Simplicity (I figured that it wouldn’t be very simple of me to purchase them!) I’m really enjoying what I’m learning.

We’ve already had a few family meetings about things that we can do as a family to simplify our life. We’ve talked about the goals that are truly important to us and what we can do to trim down the parts of our life that aren’t advancing us towards those goals. Its amazing to see how much of my time has been wasted on things that do not further my goals AT ALL. There are things that I feel that God is guiding me to, and yet I was spending my time in areas that were completely unrelated.

So dh has really jumped on board, and we are finally working on a project that not only furthers our goals, but also allows us more time together. Its really, really cool.

For the kids, we are working on reducing television and increasing family game times. I don’t mean board games, although we’ve done that too, but I just mean getting down and playing with them in any way they want. Its been a great reminder of how much I want to spend time with my children and grow in relationship with them. I don’t have a goal for them to know every song that Dora sings

Anyways, I wanted to go ahead and add a blog category for Voluntary Simplicity. I’ll probably put in a couple of entries from the books that I’m reading because it has given me a lot to think about. I don’t think I’ll be throwing away my Treo or my SUV anytime soon, but the little changes are already making a huge difference.

Filed Under: Living Simply With Children - Sherlock, Voluntary Simplicity ·

Dec 15, 2005

Anxiety Issues

By amanda · Leave a Comment

A few weeks ago I was at the library. There was a guy dressed in dirty clothes (he looked like a homeless man) and he was trying to get something open while he stood in the corner. He was being really sneaky and looking around like he didn’t want to get caught. I started to feel all anxious and panic because I didn’t know what he was doing. Right then I looked on the shelf and saw “10 Simple Solutions to Panic” right in front of me. I took it as a sign and checked it out immediately.

So for the past few weeks I’ve been working through the little book, and I’m really feeling much better. I had never really experienced panic until after my friend, Nick, was murdered by one of our co-workers. The next year our first baby died, and then the year after that was 9/11. Between those 3 events and a few smaller ones, I started to get really anxious about the safety of my family. I figured it was time to do something about it.

During the first week of reading, the authors ask you to write down all of the times that you are anxious, including the thoughts that you have to yourself and the symptoms that you feel. As I started writing them down, I realized that it happened more often than I had previously acknowledged. It was very humbling. I also started to challenge my thoughts, like my panic attacks that happen whenever Matt gets REALLY flushed. Even though its scary to see his cheeks turning purple and getting so flushed (when he’s just sitting there – not running around or anything), the fact is that nothing bad has ever happened and no doctors have found problems with him. I realized that I need to look at the fact that he has never had anything bad happen to him from the flushing, so my anxiety was not proportional to the risk.

The authors also point out that people who suffer from panic are more in-tune to their body than the regular person. We notice a rise in heart rate faster. We notice little symptoms more quickly. We assume that they’re signs of something catastrophic where most people ignore them.

I also learned that people with panic often recall terrible, flukish stories when something happens that scares them, and normal people don’t. I didn’t realize that it was odd for that to happen. I thought that it was normal when you hear a funny sound of something dragging from your car, then you think of the Oprah story of the woman accidentally dragging a person for miles…

Anyways, so I just wanted to share because making a few changes to my thinking has already given me such amazing relief. Its also nice to know that I’m not the only freak who worries about this stuff, and this book has reassured me of that fact..

Oh, and I also learned that I’m really lucky that I don’t have panic attacks where I feel like I’m going to have diarrhea. That’s so horrible. I’ll take an inability to breathe any day…

Filed Under: 10 Simple Solutions to Panic - Antony & McCabe ·