Say Goodbye to Whining - Turansky and Miller

Really good in the end…

December 25, 2007 by amanda Leave a Comment

My rating:

I must admit that I was initially very skeptical of this book. I thought it might be punitive, guilt-based parenting in disguise, and I wrote about that in the past. The fact that the authors appeared on Family Life Today made me even more skeptical, haha. Mr. Turansky graciously responded to my criticisms, and I must humbly admit that I was wrong. I think I misjudged some of his words. I think that I can accept the things that I disagreed with once I look at them in the context of the entire book.

I would absolutely recommend this book to parents on either side of the parenting spectrum. I sincerely believe that my friends who are into punitive parenting would enjoy and learn from this book without being immediately turned off, and I think that my AP/GBD friends would love it just as much. I think it is fully in line with AP philosophy. I especially appreciated the final chapter. It focuses on how our children are not just our children, but also our brothers and sisters in Christ. I wish that more parents thought about this fact. I know that I am guilty of forgetting it very often. I was so impressed to see a mainstream Christian book that tackled this subject.

Overall, I would happily recommend this book to any parent. I even listed (and immediately sent out) my copy on paperbackswap, so that another parent could have access to this excellent resource. I am very strict about what I paperbackswap, because I would never want to send something on that I felt was not encouraging or uplifting for the family who will receive it. That is why I have a horrific copy of “Withhold Not Correction” sitting on my shelf that my mother-in-law gave me years ago. I do NOT want any other family to see someone suggest that you switch your children with a tree branch from your own yard!

Back on topic though… You can read my previous entries about Say Goodbye… on this page. If you end up reading the book, please post and let me know what you thought! I’d love to discuss it 🙂

Oh, and Merry Christmas!!!

Tolerance levels

December 17, 2007 by amanda Leave a Comment

I’m in a mad whirlwind while trying to finish up the 50 or so books that I have started but not finished in the past few years, so my posts will probably be quite a hodge-podge. I am working on a big, long entry about Church History in Plain Language, but I shall save that for another night because I am nursing at the keyboard right now 😛

Tonight’s lesson for myself is on tolerance and comes from Turansky and Miller’s Say Goodbye…

People have an alarm in their heads that is set to a specific tolerance level. When they’re irritated or annoyed, the alarm goes off.Â Each person’s alarm is set differently… The good news is that tolerance levels aren’t permanently set.

Recently I’ve been more tired (go figure… with a baby and all…) and I’ve noticed that my tolerance levels have gone down considerably. At the same time I’ve noticed that my children’s tolerance levels with each other have gone down. This is most certainly related. I needed this little reminder tonight to let me know that I need to work on reseting my tolerance levels and not being so testy. 😛

This passage also prompted me to think about how each of my children respond to different circumstances. For example, my son is incredibly tolerant when it comes to waiting for his turn, but he is not so tolerant when it comes to his personal space. My daughter, on the other hand, is comfortable with people being quite close to her, but she has a tough time waiting for her turn. My children can learn a lot from each other, and I can learn from each of them. It is easy to forget that what may not bother you may be very annoying to someone else.

Comfort foods

June 24, 2007 by amanda Leave a Comment

Today I was reading in Mindless Eating about comfort foods and the differences between what women choose and what men choose.

What’s the big difference between men and women? When asked why they preferred pizza, pasta, and soup over cakes and cookies, men generally talked about how good they tasted and how filling they were. But when we probed a bit deeper, many also said that when they ate these foods they felt “spoiled,” “pampered,” “taken care of,” or “waited on.” Generally they associated these foods with being the focus of attention from either the mother or wife.

And women? Although they liked hot-meal comfort foods just fine, these foods did not carry the associations of being “spoiled,” “taken care of,” or “waited on.” In fact, quite the opposite. When women thought of these foods, they were reminded of the work they or their mothers had to do to produce them. These foods didn’t represent comfort, they represented preparation and cleanup.

For women, snacklike foods–candy, cookies, ice cream, chocolate–were hassly-free. Part of their comfort was to not have to make or clean up anything. It was both effortless and mindless eating.

Isn’t that interesting? Men chose foods that made them feel cared for or spoiled. As I think of Joe’s favorite foods, they are all warm and full meals. Mine are not. Last week I made lasagna because he asked for it, and I couldn’t fathom why someone would want lasagna when it is 99 degrees outside. I even talked to some friends at my yoga class about how all I want is a salad or to eat out. I need to keep our different preferences in mind, even if Joe’s tastes sometimes confuse me. I do this for my children, but I don’t always think a ton about Joe’s preferences, especially since he likes a lot of unhealthy comfort foods. Making those foods healthy and serving his comfort foods is another little way of honoring my family 🙂 I hadn’t really considered the deeper “why’s” behind that before.

In Turansky and Miller’s Say Goodbye to Whining, they point out that the Bible tells us many times to love, honor, serve, and encourage others. I sometimes think of that as being a loftier goal than it is. The fact is that many of my day-to-day decisions can be done in a more honoring way. They say,

It’s amazing how one family member can behin a chain reaction of change, resulting in a greater sense of honor. Maybe that one family member is you.

There are so many little ways to show honor and love. I am glad that I am starting to recognize some more ways to do this. It blesses me to bless my family.Â Who would’ve thought that a book on subconscious eating preferences would give me more ideas on how to bless my family?

Are we responsible for making sure Jesus has a good day?

October 12, 2006 by amanda 8 Comments

And now for my first bone to pick with Say Goodbye…

It’s amazing what things touch a child’s conscience. Sometimes it’s a word spoken in sadness instead of anger. Other times it’s a Scripture verse graciously revealed by a parent… When disciplining his daughter, one dad said, “It makes me sad when you choose to hit your sister instead of talking things out. It also makes God sad when we don’t choose to do the right thing.”
Appealing to the conscience is different from using guilt to manipulate. It is not a matter of telling a child, “You’re bad and you need to change.” Instead, we are trying to convey that the child is a good person who has done the wrong thing.

Ick. I really dislike this line of thinking. As Jeff VanVonderen says in Families Where Grace is in Place, when we use scripture or guilt to change someone, then that is manipulation. I have written about this before.

…you may get an answer like; “I’m really angry that I have to do this,” or the child may simply show his anger by stomping or complaining. In response, many Christian parents would say, “Don’t you ever let me hear you talk like that, [or act like that],” or “You are making Jesus sad by being angry,” or “Go to your room and don’t come out until you can be polite.” If so, you are provoking them to seethe.
It is better to acknowledge their anger. Tell them that you appreciate their telling you about their anger, or the fact that they are angry, even though they may still be required to do the chore they don’t like. – Jeff VanVonderen

Turansky and Miller must realize on some level that this is manipulative. They directly address the manipulation aspect.

Here’s my main issue though: If kids are somehow responsible for making sure Jesus has a good day, then they should be afraid. Afraid of their power and the fact that God’s mood can change at their whim. This is not accurate! How can a child ever feel safe in this kind of God? Perhaps Turansky and Miller are of the opinion that we are responsible for others feelings, but I do not believe that at all. I think they are really off base here.

Honor: is it a matter of being people oriented vs. task oriented?

October 12, 2006 by amanda Leave a Comment

As I’ve mentioned, I am reading Turansky and Miller’s Say Goodbye right now, so I wanted to keep talking about it 🙂

In Say Goodbye, there is an overwhelming theme that includes the idea that honor does more than what is expected. I really like this definition of honor, because I think it would be very easy to teach children (and adults!) I’ve been working on expressing honor in my life, and I hope that my positive example will be the first way that I teach my kids about honor. Reading this book has shown me a lot of places where we are honorable (and a lot of places that are lacking in honor.)

I am a very task-oriented person. I like checklists. I like accomplishing things. I do not like to dillydaddle. Hanging around and doing stuff that is not required is a pretty difficult thought to wrap my brain around. Its not that I want to skimp on things, its just that I want finish it completely and move on to the next task. I like to get things done.

This is pretty much the opposite of what Turansky and Miller are suggesting we should do in order to honor each other. Honor is all about doing something extra. This is a very people-oriented line of thought. This has made me think.

I am assuming that their approach will be much easier to put into action if your children are people oriented. If your kids naturally want to please, want to be around people, and want to focus on people, then I think it’ll be easy to teach them to take that next step. My son, for example, naturally does much of what is in the book. Its his personality. My dh is the same way. My dd and I do not naturally gravitate towards those types of ideas. We want to finish and move on.

I guess what I’m trying to figure out is if that is really wrong. I am trying to think of ways for my dd and I to use our own natural inclinations to still show honor. I am sure it is possible. It just hasn’t really been covered a whole lot. Or maybe honor will just be more difficult for us? It won’t come as naturally as it does for some? Hmmm. Lots to consider.

Honor vs. Respect

October 4, 2006 by amanda 1 Comment

I am reading Turansky and Millers’ Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes in You and Your Kids right now for a reading group for homeschool moms that I joined, and I am really loving it so far.

I have heard them speak before, and I loved the points that they made about honor vs. respect, so I want to chat about them!

The Greek word often translated “respect” is phobos, from which we get the English word phobia. At its root, it means “to fear.” Respect is outward, focusing on a person’s position or the power of office. When only respect is emphasized in family life, it leads to outer conformity, false intimacy, and, eventually, distant relationships

Wow, how many times have I seen that? Families focus on respect, and they end up with behaviors that, at least for a time, look respectful, but then they turn sour as the true heart is revealed in time.

The Greek word that is often translated “honor” in the New Testament comes from timae which means “worth” or “value.” It’s one thing to respect (fear) God because of his tremendous power and greatness and another thing to honor (value) him because of those qualities.

They mention that both honor and respect have their place, but we need to remember that we are told in Romans 12:10 to “Honor one another above yourselves.” This means “treating people as special, doing more than what’s expected, and having a good attitude (definition also from Turansky and Miller).” If we are teaching our children to honor rather than just respect, then it will go to a deeper level than mere behavior modification. Instead we are teaching their hearts.

The goal of discipline is to help children not only act correctly, but also to think correctly and to become the people God made them to be. Honor addresses what’s going on below the surface and considers a child’s heart. When you teach children to change their hearts, you will see them make attitude adjustments, not just behavioral changes. You’ll get to the root of disobedience or immaturity, and you’ll help your children make lifelong changes.

I can’t wait to move on to the next chapter!

For today I am going to try to focus on honoring my husband and my children, and being a good model of honor. I can already tell that this is an area that will need a significant amount of work in my life… I’m looking forward to the journey.