HippieMommy

posted by amanda on Oct 12

Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes…in You and Your Kids
By: Joanne Miller

As I’ve mentioned, I am reading Turansky and Miller’s Say Goodbye right now, so I wanted to keep talking about it

In Say Goodbye, there is an overwhelming theme that includes the idea that honor does more than what is expected. I really like this definition of honor, because I think it would be very easy to teach children (and adults!).  I’ve been working on expressing honor in my life, and I hope that my positive example will be the first way that I teach my kids about honor.  Reading this book has shown me a lot of places where we are honorable (and a lot of places that are lacking in honor.)

I am a very task-oriented person.  I like checklists.  I like accomplishing things.  I do not like to dillydaddle.  Hanging around and doing stuff that is not required is a pretty difficult thought to wrap my brain around.  Its not that I want to skimp on things, its just that I want finish it completely and move on to the next task.  I like to get things done.

This is pretty much the opposite of what Turansky and Miller are suggesting we should do in order to honor each other.  Honor is all about doing something extra.  This is a very people-oriented line of thought.  This has made me think.

I am assuming that their approach will be much easier to put into action if your children are people oriented.  If your kids naturally want to please, want to be around people, and want to focus on people, then I think it’ll be easy to teach them to take that next step.  My son, for example, naturally does much of what is in the book.  Its his personality.  My dh is the same way.  My dd and I do not naturally gravitate towards those types of ideas.  We want to finish and move on.

I guess what I’m trying to figure out is if that is really wrong.  I am trying to think of ways for my dd and I to use our own natural inclinations to still show honor.  I am sure it is possible.  It just hasn’t really been covered a whole lot.  Or maybe honor will just be more difficult for us?  It won’t come as naturally as it does for some?  Hmmm.  Lots to consider.

posted by amanda on Oct 6

Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too
By: Elaine Mazlish and Adele Faber

I am in Chapter 4 of Siblings Without Rivalry, and she is bringing up some more very interesting points. They are well worth discussing, IMHO

I told them all the story of the young wife who suddenly turned to her husband asked, “Who do you love more? Your mother or me?” Had he answered, “I love you both the same,” he would have been in big trouble. But instead he said, “My mother is my mother. You’re the fascinating, sexy woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.”

I wonder if this story is real Either way, its a good answer.

“To be loved equally,” I continued, “is somehow to be loved less. To be loved uniquely — for one’s own special self — is to be loved as much as we need to be loved.”

I wish to continue in this line of thought.

To meet our children’s needs is far better than trying to even everything out. Not only is that impossible, but its also not realistic. That’s not how life works. She gives examples of kids who are complaining that their sibling’s pancakes were bigger. Rather than trying to even it out, she suggests asking if they are still hungry and then either giving them another or making extra for them the next time. It doesn’t have to be equal to be fair.

Similarly you don’t need to spend 10 minutes with each child. Instead what is needed is to meet the child’s needs at that time. If they need 5 minutes, then fine. If they need 15, that’s fine too. It lets them know that you’ll be there when they need you, and you don’t need to force extra time or cut it short in order to be fair.

She then addresses whether or not we must love our children equally. Obviously this is a tough subject. Just like the above example of the young wife, it is important that we look for the best in all of our children, even if we have a natural connection with one child.

Would it help… to tell yourself that it isn’t necessary to respond to each child with equal passion, and that it’s perfectly normal and natural to have different feelings towards different children? The only thing that is necessary is that we take another look at the less favored child, seek out her specialness, then reflect the wonder of it back to her. That’s all we can ask of ourselves, and all the children need of us. By valuing and being partial to each child’s individuality, we make sure that each of our children feels like a number one child.

This is what I have always strived to do, and I think it is because I had excellent modeling from my parents. We openly admit that in our family there are certain members who have more of a spark together, but that we still love each other in our own special ways. For example, my mother is one of my best friends, and throughout my life that has been true. Although she and I are chattier and do more things together, my dad and I have a soul connection. There is a depth there that I can’t even explain with words. My brother is the opposite way. He’s friends with my dad, but his deep connection is with my mom. I don’t feel like either of them favor either of us. They just love us differently

I pray that I’ll be able to show my kids the same thing.

posted by amanda on Oct 4

Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes…in You and Your Kids
By: Joanne Miller

I am reading Turansky and Millers’ Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes in You and Your Kids right now for a reading group for homeschool moms that I joined, and I am really loving it so far.

I have heard them speak before, and I loved the points that they made about honor vs. respect, so I want to chat about them!

The Greek word often translated “respect” is phobos, from which we get the English word phobia. At its root, it means “to fear.” Respect is outward, focusing on a person’s position or the power of office. When only respect is emphasized in family life, it leads to outer conformity, false intimacy, and, eventually, distant relationships

Wow, how many times have I seen that? Families focus on respect, and they end up with behaviors that, at least for a time, look respectful, but then they turn sour as the true heart is revealed in time.

The Greek word that is often translated “honor” in the New Testament comes from timae which means “worth” or “value.” It’s one thing to respect (fear) God because of his tremendous power and greatness and another thing to honor (value) him because of those qualities.

They mention that both honor and respect have their place, but we need to remember that we are told in Romans 12:10 to “Honor one another above yourselves.” This means “treating people as special, doing more than what’s expected, and having a good attitude (definition also from Turansky and Miller).” If we are teaching our children to honor rather than just respect, then it will go to a deeper level than mere behavior modification. Instead we are teaching their hearts.

The goal of discipline is to help children not only act correctly, but also to think correctly and to become the people God made them to be. Honor addresses what’s going on below the surface and considers a child’s heart. When you teach children to change their hearts, you will see them make attitude adjustments, not just behavioral changes. You’ll get to the root of disobedience or immaturity, and you’ll help your children make lifelong changes.

I can’t wait to move on to the next chapter!

For today I am going to try to focus on honoring my husband and my children, and being a good model of honor.  I can already tell that this is an area that will need a significant amount of work in my life…  I’m looking forward to the journey.

posted by amanda on Sep 27

How Would Jesus Raise a Child?
By: Teresa Whitehurst

Matthew 5

The Beatitudes

1Now when he saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, 2and he began to teach them saying:
3“Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
5Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
6Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
7Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
8Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
9Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.
10Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.11“Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Confession time: I’ve never really gotten the Beatitudes. I mean, I understand them, but I don’t think I’ve really strived to live them. Much on the contrary, I’ve used the more to help myself feel better in bad times. For example, when I was mourning, I thought “‘Blessed are those who mourn’, so this isn’t totally a bad thing.” I did NOT think “‘Blessed are those who mourn.’ I should mourn more in my regular life!

Right now I am reading through Dr. Teresa Whitehurst’s How Would Jesus Raise a Child, and her chapter on the Beatitudes is making me think. She says

If you want to become more like Jesus as a person and a parent, the Beatitudes are a wise and easy place to begin.

So then she gives some examples of the way Jesus lived the Beatitudes and the way that the world lives. She says, for example, that Jesus tells us that when you’re gentle (meek), not harsh with others, you will inherit the earth. The world’s view is “Show ‘em who’s boss. You gotta be cruel to be kind.”, etc.

OK, so I understand what she’s saying there. Like I said, I don’t think I’ve done much striving to live them, but I get her point. I’ve always thought more about the Love verses or the fruits of the Spirit, etc.

Then she starts talking about exactly the same thing as Charlotte Mason. I discussed it in my Trains of Thought entry. She says that humans have a hard time with change and are actually immune to it. The same thing CM said! Go figure

…it short-circuits our goals. We want to lose weight, but can’t seem to overcome our immunity to change in the area of eating habits. We want to be more patient with our toddler but our “immune system” kicks in, preventing us from trying a new, calmer method for handling fussiness.

So now I’ve read this twice in two weeks. Maybe God is trying to tell me something She goes on to give a great example

When I was getting used to my laptop, it took me several days to unlearn the placement of the keys on my familiar old desktop computer. Some moves were so ingrained that I actually had to cover certain keys with tape so as not to hit them accidentally, erasing my work each time! So it goes with the challenging internal changes for which Jesus promised blessings and rewards in the Beatitudes. They will require that we “tape over” certain habitual ways of thinking and behavior so that we can begin to learn and use what Jesus taught. It may feel awkward at first, but if you inhibit your usual ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving, eventually you will find that Jesus’ teachings are not impossible to incorporate in your life after all.

I like the way that she built on the same ideas as CM. I like her example. I’ve experienced the same thing with a new keyboard, and I’ve also experienced that same difficulty when trying to change a bad habit. The fact is that you get used to the new way of life if you just stick with it.

This also reminded me of when I first bought my new glasses. My dh is going through the same thing right now, so I can really empathize. I have progressive lenses. I have the strongest prescription at the bottom for reading, a moderate prescription for mid-distance (like the computer), and hardly any prescription at all for distance. For the first week or two, I felt terrible with these glasses. I kept getting dizzy. I was getting stabbing pains in my brain. It seemed bad. Then one day I could see and my brain had figured out which part of the glasses to look through for different activities. Now I can’t live without them!

I think I need to apply some of these same principles in my life.

So the last point that I wanted to discuss is her interpretation of Matthew 5:48 (”You, therefore, must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect”. This is a tough verse. We know we can’t be perfect. That’s why we need God. So what gives?

I used to worry about this instruction. Then, after further study, I realized that Jesus didn’t say, “So be as perfect as God.” To say this would be to imply that we are on equal footing with God, with equal powers of perfection. Rather, what Jesus was urging his listeners to do was to take his teachings seriously and strive towards the ideal that God represents.

I’m off to digest this some more. I’m sure I’ll write about it again!

posted by amanda on Sep 24

Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too
By: Elaine Mazlish and Adele Faber

Never compare yourself to others. You’ll become either vain or bitter.

I’m reading the chapter on comparing siblings in Siblings Without Rivalry and it is making me think. As she discusses the way that criticizing or praising changes the way a child views themself, I am having a lot of a-ha moments.

I am a very competitive person, and I would be lying if I said that I don’t care what other people think or do. Not only do I care, but I also strive to one up people. It’s terrible, but true. I am really trying hard to both fix it in myself and to teach my kids to do better.

I have told myself that it is ok to occasionally tell my children things like “You can eat so much neater than the baby” or “Look how your sister went straight to her car seat and buckled herself.” Now I am cringing as I type those statements out because I see how I was building up pride and vanity while making my kids think they were better or more loved at the expense of the other one. It is something that I’ve just recently started doing, and I am kicking myself!

Although I’m sure it made my dd proud to hear that I was happy that she buckled herself, it made my son feel as though he couldn’t measure up. When I told my son he could eat more neatly, then he told himself he was better than she is. I’m such a dunce!

So instead of me saying “You picked up all of your toys!” and my son thinking “I’m great at cleaning up!”, I sometimes said “You don’t leave stuff around like your sister. She’s too young to clean up after herself.” and he thought “I’m better than her!” Grrrrreat Not exactly the lesson I was trying to teach.

This whole DescriptivePraise thing is tough for me. I naturally slip into “Good job!” and “That’s beautiful!” instead of “You folded all of the laundry!” or “Look at all of the lines that you drew!” (I almost put “beautiful lines” in my example! Ack!) This is something I need to concentrate on…

posted by amanda on Sep 23

Romancing Your Husband: Enjoying a Passionate Life Together
By: Debra White Smith

A few years ago, my mother-in-law gave me this book and deeply encouraged me to read it. I was a bit because, hel-lo, I was a newlywed and plenty of romancin’ was going on As I was listing some old books on paperbackswap, I came across this one. I thought I’d give it a chance and read it. Here’s my early thoughts.

Why is it that so many (Christian) marriage books attempt to boost the marriage at the expense of the family? This drives me nuts!!! I realize that my MIL doesn’t have any kids around the house, so she probably didn’t think about this. Consider this quote from Chapter 1. Here she talks about how she planned for a getaway to a bed and breakfast with her husband and how she managed to get her kids to a friend’s house so they could get away.

This doesn’t sound like much, but we had adopted our Vietnamese daugher, who was two at the time, and had only had her about six months. Pulling her from the orphanage deeply disturbed her and she screamed for almost two years after we got her. The whole time I was preparing to leave, Brooke was following me around the house, screaming as if she were being attacked.

Come, let us reason together. WHY WOULD YOU ABANDON A SCREAMING CHILD WHO OBVIOUSLY HAD SOME KIND OF ATTACHMENT DISORDER SO THAT YOU COULD GO WALK AROUND NAKED AT A BED AND BREAKFAST?!?! (The naked part is later discussed.) Couldn’t she have romanced him in a less traumatic way for her new daughter? Couldn’t a solution have been found where no one had to suffer? Why does it have to either be the marriage or the whole family unit? This all-or-nothing thinking seems common in this book, and its driving me a bit batty.

Our lives are full of seasons. I am not currently in the naked-at-the-Victorian-bed-and-breakfast season. Is that so hard for people to accept? The above scenario was the ONLY suggestion for romancing your husband.

[Sigh] I hope it gets better.

posted by amanda on Sep 19

Heartfelt Discipline: The Gentle Art of Training and Guiding Your Child
By: Clay Clarkson

Proverbs 4:23 Watch over your heart with all diligence, For from it flow the springs of life.

I’ve been going back through Heartfelt Discipline, and just couldn’t pass up the opportunity to discuss some of its ideas on here

In the first chapter of Heartfelt Discipline, Clay Clarkson discusses the above verse and where many parents go wrong in their attempt to watch over their children’s hearts.

You have to buy the book if you want all of the greek word study

The words used in this verse for “watch over” are used to refer to ideas like guarding a facility or being a watchman on the walls. These are ideas that convey guarding what goes INTO the heart rather than OUT of the heart.

Let’s say there are two kinds of parents: those who watch over what comes out of their child’s heart and mind, and those who watch over what goes into their child’s heart and mind. The first group is vigilant to restrain their child’s sin (what comes out of the chlid’s heart). They carefully watch over their child’s words and actions so as to catch the sin as soon as it appears. When the child sins, there is an immediate and usually negative response from the parents…

…rather than obsessing over what comes out of a child’s heart, an advocate parent focuses on what goes into his or her heart. Such parenting is all about cultivating “good soil” that will receive the truth of the gospel. The parents’ role is to prepare a child’s heart to receive the seed of the Word of God that will “lead to salvation.”

Yes! I love this. So many parenting gurus want you to focus on what is coming OUT of the heart. That misses the point entirely! If you only change what comes out of the heart, then you are never REACHING the heart!

To a busy, frustrated parent, applying purely practical solutions to a spiritual problem might seem to “work”: It stops the negative behavior. But such practical “solutions” gloss over the real, spiritual problem. Parents can almost always exercise enough power over younger children to gain control over a behavioral problem. But what happens when the parents aren’t around to monitor and control the child’s wrong behavior? If the root cause hasn’t been addressed, then the behavior will continue.

It is our job to guide our children and to help them stay on the narrow path. When they stray, we help them back on. It doesn’t stop there though, there must be something done at the heart level, not just a quick bandaid.

You are a Godly guide… training and instructing them about how to walk this path in order to find life as God intended it to be. You are also warning them about the dangers that would lead them away from the path and correcting them when they stray from the path. This full, biblical picture of discipline reflects an ongoing heart-to-heart relationship in which you are patiently and lovingly guiding the child.

Childhood discipline is a process, not a formula, a list of rules, or a set of laws. Childhood discipline is about relationship and instruction, about parents seeking God’s wisdom, walking in the power of the Holy Spirit, and trusting God.

I understand why parents long for an easy “10 steps to a perfect Christian child”, but that’s not the way the Bible works. Think of all of the details that God gave when it came to eating, which clothes to wear, how to shave beards, and how to build houses. He wasn’t that way with raising children. There are a few verses spread throughout the Bible that leave a lot open to interpretation. As I blogged about before, the verses in Deuteronomy and 1 Thes. are probably some of the most desciptive, but they still have a lot of wiggle room.

Hmm, lots to think about What a great first chapter!

posted by amanda on Aug 27

The Mission of Motherhood: Touching Your Child’s Heart for Eternity
By: Sally Clarkson

I want my home to be a laboratory of life, a place where my children and husband may flourish and feel loved, encouraged, spiritually refreshed, and emotionally prepared to face the work God has for them in life. I want it to be a place where they can learn in safety yet be challenged to grow.

Isn’t that an awesome quote?

Yesterday I was reading and thinking, and this quote just jumped off of the page. This is exactly what I want for my family. What a beautiful vision!

I also want my home to be the best place to be in the minds of my family. Peace and acceptance, excellence and a passion for living, comfort and funn–I want all these qualities to come to my children’s minds when they think about home. If I can succeed in creating a nurturing environment that speaks peace to their souls even as it helps them grow, I will feel that I have done my job as keeper of my domain.

::nodding emphatically::

…Chores are done the same way each day, week, and month of the year so that our children know what to do and when. Each child has a part of the kitchen to do… Whoever cooks does not have to spend time cleaning the kitchen. Rooms are to be picked up at a certain time before dinner… My sons will definitely know how to be a help to their wives because home maintenance was a routine part of their daily lives

See, this is a big part of why I love this book. It talks about all of the weys to create the “traditional” comforts of a home, and yet it is not sexist at all. It treats all children equal when it comes to responsibility. Girls learn to think and boys learn to clean up after themselves. One is not at home cleaning up while the other one gets to explore. Go figure!

Earlier today I was researching a curriculum that someone had mentioned, and these were the skills taught for the boys and girls. Note that the boys get to learn leadership skills, literature, public speaking skills and “knowledge” while the girls get to do basketweaving. Yay!

For the boys:

BIBLICAL MANHOOD 16

Bible Memory 17
Bible Reading 20
Personal Journal 24
Prayer Warrior 25
Proverbs Study for Boys 27

FIELD AND FOREST 42

Archery 43
Birds 48
Butterflies 51
Camping 55
Ecology 60
Horses 63
Insects 66
Outdoor Life 71
Plants 76
Pocketknife 82
Trees 84
Wildlife 88

KNOWLEDGE AND SKILLS 93

Astronomy 94
Chess 99
Computers 102
Drawing .106
Electricity 110
Finances 115
Fire Safety 118
First Aid 121
Foreign Language 123
Gardening 125
Genealogy 132
Health and Fitness 136
Home Care 141
Hygiene 144
Kites 148
Knots 155
Leatherworking 167
Models .174
Oil Painting 178
Pets 182
Photography 185
Poetry 188
Rocketry 192
Rocks and Minerals 198
Sign Language 203
Small Engine Repair 205
Stamp Collecting 208
Tools 212
Typing 224
Watercolors 226
Weather 228
Woodburning 233
Woodcarving 236
Woodworking 243

LEADERSHIP 247

Biography 248
Library 254
Literature 257
Music 260
Organization 264
Propriety 265
Public Speaking 267
Scheduling 269
Scholarship 274
Stewardship 277
Storytelling 282
Teaching 284
Writing 286

OTHERS 291

Bus Worker 292
Church 294
Family 297
Friends 303
Grandparents 307
Great Commission 310
Letters 311
Love 315
Missionary 320
Neighbor 322
Others 325
Rest Home 327
Special Needs 329
Widows 333

RECREATIONAL ACTIVITIES 335

Badminton 336
Bicycle 338
Croquet 342
Fishing 344
Golf 347
Hiking 350
Ice Skating 354
Swimming 357
Table Tennis 356
Tennis 357
Volleyball 359

and the full girls’ list

General Information

Purpose, Goal, Verse, Prayer 12
Keepers at Home Theme Song 13
Achievement Awards 14
Biblical Girlhood 16
Bible Memory 17
Bible Reading 20
Personal Journal 24
Prayer Warrior 25

Creative Skills 27

Basketweaving 29
Calligraphy 33
Candlemaking 36
Candlewicking .43
Ceramics 47
Counted Cross Stitch .49
Crewel Embroidery 53
Crochet 56
Decoupage 58
Dollmaking 60
Drawing 63
Embossing 67
Embroidery 71
Flower Arrangement 75
Knitting 78
Latch Hooking 82
Macrame 84
Miniatures 91
Needlepoint 92
Oil Painting 96
Photography 100
Plastic Canvas 103
Pressed Flowers 106
Quilling 110
Quilting 115
Rubber Stamping 120
Scrapbooking 124
Spinning 127
Stenciling 130
Tatting 133
Tole Painting 136
Watercolors 140
Weaving 142
Homemaking 147
Baking 148
Budgeting 150
Cake Decorating 153
Camping 155
Cleaning 157
Cooking 160
Fire Safety 166
First Aid 169
Food Preservation 171
Gardening 175
Health and Fitness 182
Home Decorating 187
Hygiene 189
Ironing 193
Laundry 194
Organization 196
Proverbs 31 Study for Girls 199
Scheduling 209
Sewing 214
Soapmaking 216
Knowledge and Skills 220
Biography 221
Computer. 227
Foreign Language 230
Genealogy 232
Library 236
Literature 239
Music 242
Poetry 244
Sign Language 248
Storytelling 250
Teaching 252
Typing 254
Writing 256
Nature 260
Birds 261
Butterflies 264
Flowers 268
Horses 270
Insects 273
Pets 278
Trees 281
Wildflowers 285
Others 287
Bus Worker 288
Child Care 290
Church 292
Ecology 295
Etiquette 298
Family 300
Friends 306
Grandparents 310
Hospitality 313
Letters 316
Love 320
Missionary 325
Neighbor 327
Others 330
Rest Home 332
Special Needs 334
Witnessing 338

Recreational Activities 339

Badminton 340
Bicycle 342
Croquet 346
Hiking 348
Ice Skating 352
Swimming 353
Table Tennis 354
Tennis 355
Volleyball 357

posted by amanda on Jun 21

My dd has recently hit the “disequilibrium” that we’ve all heard so much about. She is almost two-and-a-half, and she has been teaching me so much in the past few months.

I was talking to a friend on the phone, and she mentioned that this should be easy because I’ve already been through this with ds. In reality, I’ve never been through this. Ds has a completely different kind of personality and never had anything anywhere close to “terrible” twos. As a matter of fact, at this age he didn’t even say “no” yet. He still just said “Sure!”

I saw a few weeks ago that Crystal recommended Your Two-Year-Old as a good book for this age (go figure), so I picked it up from the library. The library version is really old - it was published in 1980 just days after I was born So there are some outdated aspects, like a discussion on whether or not to put a car seat in the front or back I’m assuming that those references have been removed in the latest version of the book. Then again, maybe they just changed the cover - I don’t know.

Back to my point though: despite the age of the book, its been a very nice read. It has really reminded me that everything that my dd is dealing with is totally normal and has given me a few new tools It has also given me a wonderful peek inside of the two-year-old brain and how it is developing and working. Its really been lovely

As for my problem though… Yesterday and today have been plagued with instances where she requests something, then I acknowledge her request, and then she gets upset even though we’re agreeing. She’s not mad, she’s obviously having a problem communicating, but I have been trying to figure out the best way to validate her feelings and let her know that she is heard. Today’s example was (her) “I’m hungry.” (me) “We’re going to go get something to eat right now.” “No! I’m hungry!” “I know, we’re going to go get some food.” “But I’m hungry!” ??? I ended up distracting her and she was SO happy when we stopped and ate. She kept thanking me for the meal. She really was hungry and really wanted food, but she was still upset. As I was pondering a good response to that today, I read this quote

…he doesn’t want to stay, but he doesn’t want to go ( and this, of course, is often the case when he isn’t in a bad mood) — some simple suggestion such as “But where are your shoes?” can shift his attention, with good results. Also, don’t give him more than once or two chances to make up his mind. If it becomes clear, and it often will, that he is not going to be satisfied with either of two alternatives, just pick him up and remove him from the scene, or otherwise terminate the situation. He may cry and scream, but this is preferable to continuing on and on with a fruitless, frustrating, and rather ridiculous, “Do you want to go home now?” “No.” “Do you want to stay?” “No.” If nothing pleases, so be it!

Yesterday the same thing happened with her shoes. She had her shoes on and was crying because she wanted to wear her shoes. I thought maybe she wanted them off, but then she was crying even harder. I put them on and she just kept crying and saying “I want my shoes on!” Its tricky. I’m telling you…

Distraction does seem to help a whole lot. I’m glad that I was able to get a little pat on the back today though. The book really helped

posted by amanda on Jun 11

I think this is a good book to start after reading about the MySpace story, although I must admit that I’m a bit freaked out after reading it. I’ll explain as I go.

Mr. De Becker starts his book with a story of a mother and her 8-year-old daughter on a girls night out to dinner and a movie. Without giving away the story, the mom senses danger and doesn’t listen to her intuition. The man who originally made her uncomfortable later attempts to assault them. She fights back and protects herself. And so the book starts…

To tap into this resource, to reinvest in our intuition, to know how to avoid danger, to know, for example, whom to keep our children away from, we must listen to internal warnings while they are still whispers. The voice that knows all about how to protect children may not always be the loudest, but it is the wisest.

This hit me immediately. There is only 1 time that I really recall that feeling. It was at the Christmas Eve service this past year at our church, and the man who was watching my daughter’s class creeped me out. There’s no walls in there, and all of the other classes could hear everything, so I decided to let her stay. It was the first time that she stayed the whole way through. I went in and checked on her a few times without him seeing me, and she seemed fine, but I still had that uneasy feeling. I thought I was doing the right thing by checking on her, but now I wonder…

…when it comes to predicting violence and protecting children, I submit that you already know most of what you need to know. You have the wisdom of the species, and the expert voice that matters most is yours. Yet, society has trained us to believe that we don’t know the answers, that professionals know what’s best and that good parents listen to them. As a result, we have come to believe that we can find certainty outside ourselves. We won’t, of course, but we can find the illusion of certainty, particularly if that’s what we’re willing to settle for.

This is a bit of a theme around here, eh? I couldn’t agree any more!

He then talks about how adults know dangers before they have children, but after children are born, we end up with a list so long it needs an index. Things that used to seem safe like doors, yarn, and pencils are now dangerous indeed. Young parents recognize them and can scan a room for these dangers. Its a natural instinct.

As our kids get older, it can seem more difficult to know what is safe and what is not.

The search for certainty starts and ends within yourself–for example, every time you are open to receive information about your daughter’s new boyfriend, conclude he’s okay, and then don’t torture yourself while she’s out on a date.

Ooh, I know that’ll be tough for me. I’m a big second guesser. As I type this, I’m still wondering about that man who taught the Christmas Eve 2-year-old class, and I don’t even attend that church anymore.

So Gavin (which is easier to write than “Mr. De Becker”) goes on to say that if we meet with a parent and decide to allow our son to stay at their house, then we should trust our instincts that they won’t drive our kids home drunk, for example.

If you think the dad might drive drunk, there’s probably a reason you think it, and it’s worth exploring for a moment. If you think there might be a collection of unsecured guns at their home, your hesitation makes sense. You see, it’s one thing to never get a warning about some risk to our children; it’s quite another to get a signal and then ignore it… You may conclude on further consideration that your hesitation wasn’t called for–but you can give at least a brief consideration to every signal…

Its so hard to know which ones to listen to and which ones to let go! Especially if you’re like me and border on the anxious side

Then we get the first of our difficult-to-swallow-but-good-to-know statistics:

…throughout history, half of all children failed to reach adulthood. Half. The odds are far better for children in America today, but the truth remains that childhood is safe only when adults make it so.

If you are a woman with a young child, you’ll learn in these pages that it is you and not your child who is most often the predatory prize, you who are more likely to attract violence, and you must know what it looks like.

I know that feeling. I had it just yesterday. Please note, I am not at all saying in this story that how a woman dresses means that men will attack her!

Yesterday I had to run to the supermarket. We needed a few quick things. I spent the day cleaning and painting, and we live in a town where most people do not have air conditioning. We don’t have central A/C. I had on a hippie top that criss-crosses in the back (so its an open back) and a while tiered skirt that borders on see-through. I wasn’t planning on going anywhere, but I didn’t feel sleazy either.

So I went to the store, felt fine, and as I was walking out there was a man who walked out behind me. I could feel him looking at me. I started walking faster and he did too. He made a bit of a whistle, so I sped up some more. He made another sound and I reached my car and he had turned another direction. That was the first time in a few months that I had felt that feeling - a feeling that I often felt in my teens - and I was a bit shaken by it.

I get the same feeling on this one section of trail if I go jogging, and as a result I’ve stopped jogging there. Its heavily wooded and below a highway, so no one would hear if something went wrong. I understand the need to listen to that inner voice, but sometimes I ignore it. And now I’m feeling guilty about that guy on Christmas Eve again

So then, just in time, Gavin talks about how worrying is bad. Worry keeps you focused on the wrong things and then you end up missing the real thing. OK, OK, I hear ya…

Then he talks about an example of a conversation with the kind of person who likes to deny things

“You’re so right,” the denier says, “sexual abuse is an enormous problem, particularly for young teens. Thank God mine aren’t there yet.”
No, sorry, says reality, the most common age at which sexual abuse begins is three.

WHAT?!

“Well, sure, if you have homosexuals around small children, there’s a risk.”
No, sorry, says reality, nearly 100 percent of sexual abuse is committed by heterosexual males.
“Yeah, but that kind of pervert isn’t living in our neighborhood.”
Sorry, says reality, but that kind of pervert is living in your neighborhood. The U.S. Department of Justice estimates that on average, there is one child molester per square mile.
“Well, at least the police know who those people are.”
Not likely, says reality, since the average child molester victimizes between thirty and sixty children before he is ever arrested.

Now I want to throw up. Seriously. I want to throw up. 3?! 30 to 60 kids?! I’m glad I know this, but it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I’ve known that the stats were 1-in-3 women and 1-in-6 men who are molested or raped, and this is something I’ve thought about. I’ve thought about the odds. I’m a numbers kind of girl, y’know? I was a math major. If I have 4 kids, that makes it highly likely that someone would be assaulted. If not, then some family is getting a larger-than-average amount of abuse, which also saddens me. I don’t know. Numbers can be bad sometimes.

I like what he says next though

…the solution to violence in America is not more laws, more guns, more police, or more prisons. The solution to violence is acceptance of reality.
From there, you can hear the messengers of intuition. From there, you can evaluate risk and organize defenses. Reality is the highest ground you can find–and the safest–because from there you can see what’s coming.

…Taking deep breaths… OK.

He closes the chapter with great thoughts about our society and how we respond in fear. I really recommend reading it.

As I go to bed tonight, I might need to pray a little extra. I always prefer knowledge to denial, but sometimes it takes me a little while to process. Candice and I were talking about something similar the other day. I had listened to the Compassionate Cooks podcast on dairy farming and we talked about the horrors that those animals live through. She had no idea and didn’t really want to know. The fact is that it happens whether you know or not. If you know, then you can act. That is truly living.