HippieMommy

posted by amanda on May 21

I had a really good time blogging about Chapter 8 of Families Where Grace is in Place, so I thought I’d go on and do Chapter 9 too

This chapter focuses on Ephesians 6:4

Bring [your children] up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord

Mr. VanVonderen opens by pointing out that based on Paul’s teaching about spiritual filling, this verse could not logically be speaking of rule-following. This verse is saying that we need to bring up our children in a way that allows them to keep being filled with the Spirit.

Most Christian parents focus on the words discipline and instruction, and overlook the bring up part. “Bring up” has uplifting, nurturing, serving connotations. We are not to beat down or force into. It is not our job to turn our children into Christian replicas of Pavlov’s dogs, barking the right Bible verse for every occassion. Rather, we are to build them into deeply faithful adults (emphasis mine)

Amen.

It is true to say that one of our children’s greatest struggles will be the same as ours: we are all in a constant battle to draw our significance and value from what Christ has done… not what we’ve done. We don’t want to lose this fight and give in to what Mr. VanVonderen refers to as a “preoccupation with performance”. Its not that behaviors don’t matter, but they should be an outward expression of our internal change. We should not find our value in it, and we definitely shouldn’t do it just because we want other people to think better of us.

Even if our children begin their own faith journey and choose to believe they are loved and accepted by God because of Jesus’ work on the cross, it doesn’t mean other kids are going to be transformed into nice people. And it doesn’t mean our children won’t feel hurt when hurtful things are said or done to them. But we can stop trying to control behaviors and feelings, and focus on value and identity. Our eternal value and identity are settled because of Christ

This is hard. Really hard.

I would love to think that once my kids decide to believe in Christ and put their identity in Him, then they won’t have to worry about hurtful things that others say. Actually, I want it to be true even before they make that decision. Unfortunately, I know that’s not true. It hasn’t been true in my life and it won’t be true in theirs. That is part of the constant battle. That is something they will have to face. If I focus on their behavior rather than Christ, then I will fail miserably. Telling them to not listen will never be as effective as focusing on Christ and what He says.

So, once we’re working on not being hurt by what other people say, what about the issue of doing things to impress other people? What about trying to gain your acceptance externally rather than through Christ?

Remember, empty things don’t have to be evil to be empty. Getting good grades isn’t evil. But grades don’t have the power to establish a person’s worth. Neither does earning the approval of your parents, or perfect attendance pins for going to Sunday school. In addition, the media, peers, even sometimes family and church bombard children with shaming messages that say something is wrong with them. We need to watch for ways to encourage our children to look to Jesus alone as their source of value and acceptance.

Face it… even at church, this message is sent to our kids. It happens everywhere. We have to look out for these opportunities to minister to them. If I wait until my kids are already in the trenches, then I have failed them.

So obviously the best way to teach our kids this is to model it. Paul had a bit to say about modeling

Corinthians 11:1 “Be imitators of me, just as I also am of Christ”

So what does Paul mean? Just to act like him on the outside? Not at all!

He is not telling Christians to copy his external Christian behavior. Looking Christian on the outside so that others will see also misses the point. Paul is, rather, instructing us to focus on an internal reality, out of which will flow its expression

To wrap up the chapter, he gives examples of ways that we can model the proper attitude for our children. I loved his one for parenting

Sometimes I overreact to something one of my daughters does in public because I feel embarrassed and I’m worried about what people think of me as a dad. Here’s a faith-modeling apology: “I apologize for losing my temper with you. I was concerned about how you were acting. But what I was more concerned about is what people were thinking about me. And I took it out on you. I’m sorry.

Oh how our kids will benefit from this honesty! Think of the amazing example. I want to be this kind of woman - the kind who can admit the core issues and humble myself.

Well, I’ll probably continue this for Chapter 10 Stay tuned!

posted by amanda on May 9

Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

In Chapter 8 of Families Where Grace is in Place, Jeff VanVonderen tackles the misconceptions of this verse, and gives some really practical advice. I’d love to chat about it

Is Paul telling parents that they should never do anything about which their kids will feel angry? Not at all. Children are sometimes going to feel angry when they are asked to do things they’d rather not do. This may even be often for some children. A person’s anger is their own responsibility.

I’m glad that he tackled this issue right in the beginning. Obviously it is not a parent’s job to make sure that their kids are happy all the time. At the same time, we are commanded by scripture not to provoke our children to anger. What does this mean?

Perigismos, the word that appears in our Ephesians versee… means “seething hostility,” and it refers to anger that is forced to exist beneath the surface, or suppressed anger. Unfortunately many Christians think this is what we are supposed to do with anger–just conceal it where it can’t be seen. The text clearly shows that concealing anger is not a good thing to do.

Isn’t this the truth? How many Christians do this with their anger? He goes on to talk about what many call “righteous anger” and how even then, the sun should not go down and we should be talking it over with the person with whom we are angry. It shouldn’t be suppressed or forced to exist inside of us.

So what are some of the ways that we could provoke our children to anger?

1. Not allowing our children to express their anger.

Mr. Vanvonderen talks about how we may ask a child to stop watching tv to do their chores, and this may make them mad. This is not bad. He says:

…you may get an answer like; “I’m really angry that I have to do this,” or the child may simply show his anger by stomping or complaining. In response, many Christian parents would say, “Don’t you ever let me hear you talk like that, [or act like that],” or “You are making Jesus sad by being angry,” or “Go to your room and don’t come out until you can be polite.” If so, you are provoking them to seethe…
…It is better to acknowledge their anger. Tell them that you appreciate their telling you about their anger, or the fact that they are angry, even though they may still be required to do the chore they don’t like.

I really liked his discussion in this section about how we should not make a child feel like it is his or her responsibility to make sure that Jesus is having a good day (”You’re making Jesus sad…”). It drives me nuts when people say that to their kids. Its like VanVonderen talks earlier in the book - when we use scripture or guilt to change someone, then that is manipulation.

Next

2. Living with Double Standards

If it’s not okay for the kids to litter, it’s not okay for you. If you want them to care about the law, you have to keep the speed limit… If you want your children to care about God and church, but in your heart you don’t–who are you kidding?

I LOVED this section, because it taught me a LOT! He talks about how we cannot have double standards, and this includes double standards with regards to anger. There are times where the children do things wrong, and it is easy to respond in anger, but that is not what we are called to do. Anger is just as wrong as what they are doing. We need to respond by controlling ourselves first, and then we can talk to them. This is especially true as your kids get older. If you expect them to use words when they’re angry, then we should use words too!

3. Speaking, thinking, and feeling for your kids

…When a mom or dad repeatedly discount a child’s feelings, then there is cause for real alarm.

He tells a story where a little girl and mother were shoe shopping and agreed that the only shoes that fit were ugly. Instead of acknowledging their common feelings, the mom tries to respond by telling the girl “Oh, we like these sandals, don’t we? And don’t we think they’re beautiful?” Um, no. Obviously not. If the mom had just acknowledged the disappointment and common feelings, it would’ve allowed her daughter to understand and not be discounted.

4. Turning a deaf ear

This one seems obvious to me. Children should be allowed to defend and share before they are disciplined. I can’t even tell you how frustrated I remember being when I was innocent and not given a chance to be heard.

5. When parents are absent

Again, this one seems fairly obvious. Kids will grow to resent you and feel inward anger if they feel neglected.

6. When we “shame” our children

This goes into name calling and giving messages that your children will never measure up. This sets them up for resentment and is not a Godly example.

So the whole point is that

Getting anger into hiding is not what Christian parenting is about

Amen! I can’t wait for Chapter 9!

posted by amanda on Feb 27

We’ve just started this book for my group, and I thought it’d be nice to share some of my thoughts.

I can definitely see how my actions fall into the “fallen” category (as in the way people act after the fall of Adam and Eve). I am prone to being the controlling type. Actually, I think everyone is, just some people are more passive-agressive about it, and others are more outwardly aggressive. I think I’m the latter.

I liked Mr. VanVonderen’s description of pre-fall relationships. Its only been in recent years that I’ve started to embrace the fact that the post-fall consequences are not what we need to be living in and accepting. Jesus showed us a new way to live. For some reason I was always taught that it was just how life is, and we had to accept that now, thanks to the fall, the sexes would be at war.

I like this quote. It made me laugh out loud

Pay close attention to Adam’s first response when he awoke and saw Eve: “This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh” (v. 23). He did not say, “Great, now I have someone to go get me my stuff, do the chores I don’t feel like doing, and cater to my every need.” And the Word of God goes on: “For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh” (v. 24). This was God’s plan for marriage: entering into the process of becoming one flesh. It is not to “subdue” or to “rule over” each other. Rather, the plan for marriage is a dependence upon God; two becoming one flesh, co-ruling, a relationship in the image of God.

I am happy to say that I do not have a demanding or demeaning husband. He is happy to serve right along side of me, but I still thought the quote was pretty funny.

I hope to have some deep thoughts about future chapters For now, I’m just amused. I’m wondering if the men in our group will take offense to VanVonderen’s strong egalitarian message… We shall see!