Socialization

The older that my kids get, the less that I am worried about “socialization”. I went to a mix of public and private schools. My dh was homeschooled up until 7th grade and then went to private school. I never even considered homeschooling before my children were born, because I thought that the way that I was raised was the best way. Meeting my husband definitely changed my mind on that one :) Today I was reading some more Charlotte Mason while at the park with my kids, and I really loved this section on children with their peers.

The Society of his Equals too stimulating for a child.––Let us follow the little person to the Kindergarten, where he has the stimulus of classmates of his own age. It certainly is stimulating. For ourselves, no society is so much so as that of a number of persons of our own age and standing; this is the great joy of college life; a wholesome joy for all young people for a limited time. But persons of twenty have, or should have, some command over their inhibitory centres. They should not permit the dissipation of nerve power caused by too much social stimulus; yet even persons of twenty are not always equal to the task of self-management in exciting circumstances. What then, is to be expected of persons of two, three, four, five? That the little person looks rather stolid than otherwise is no guarantee against excitement within. The clash and sparkle of our equals now and then stirs up to health; but for everyday life, the mixed society of elders, juniors and equals, which we get in a family, gives at the same time the most repose and the most room for individual development. We have all wondered at the good sense, reasonableness, fun and resourcefulness shown by a child in his own home as compared with the same child in school life.

I love this.  It is so true.  Why is it that our country has become so fixated on the thought that healthy development can only come by being surrounded by people only your own age?  John Taylor Gatto addresses this in his book, Dumbing Us Down, and I wrote about it once before.

Discovering meaining for yourself as well as discovering satisfying purpose for yourself, is a big part of what education is. How this can be done by locking children away from the world is beyond me.

Yesterday I went to the library and saw the vast number of books in the collection that were devoted to getting kids excited about going to Kindergarten.  It was really really sad.  Kids aren’t made to be taken away and taught by their peers just because they turned 5.  Now that my son is 5, I am feeling more sure about this than ever.

Obedience – a difficult word

Today as I was reading in Home Education by Charlotte Mason, I was thinking about how many different parents (including myself) now shy away from the word “obedience”. So many of the less desirable parenting styles have taken it over, and so it is hard to use it and still convey the proper message. I realized that I tend to use other words in place of obedience because of this. The section that I read today really reminded me that it is all in how you use it. I really like how Charlotte Mason approaches it as the child’s responsibility to obey, and not our job to make them obey. This is very much in agreement with grace based discipline :) She has a couple of points that I’d slightly rework, but hey, the text is 100 years old, so I can see how there could be some difficulty communicating.

Charlotte Mason says

It is said that the children of parents who are most strict in exacting obedience often turn out ill; and that orphans and other poor waifs brought up under strict discipline only wait their opportunity to break out into license.

Um yeah, totally true.

Exactly so; because, in these cases, there is no gradual training of the child in the habit of obedience; no gradual enlisting of his will on the side of sweet service and a free-will offering of submission to the highest law: the poor children are simply bullied into submission to the will, that is, the wilfulness, of another; not at all, ‘for it is right‘, only because it is convenient.

I am so glad that she addresses this. The fact is that many of the popular Christian parenting philosophies are all about bullying into submission and forcing the child to do it, not of their own free-will. This can never last. If the child is not choosing it for themselves, then why would they continue doing it when they no longer have to?

There is no need to rate the child, or threaten him, or use any manner of violence, because the parent is invested with the authority which the child intuitively recognises. It is enough to say, ‘Do this,’ in a quiet, authoritative tone, and expect it to be done. The mother often loses her hold over her children because they detect in the tone of her voice that she does not expect them to obey her behests; she does not think enough of her position; has not sufficient confidence in her own authority.

Yes, yes, yes. I find this so true in my own voice. When I am calm and respectful, so are my children. If I am getting flustered or upset, then my kids don’t have a calm role model anymore and they start following in my bad habits. I was sitting around watching moms today while I was at a drop-in Kindergarten for my kids, and I was struck by how true this is. It is true amongst the teachers, the parents, anyone in authority. Those who spoke calmly and were clear of what they expected had no problem with the children following through. Those who seemed to be asking the child a question did not get the same results.

Like I said, I don’t take every word of Charlotte Mason like the Bible. Even still, I think that her beliefs, especially considering how old they are, are very sound and impressive. As I mentioned above, I would choose not to use the word “obey”/”obedience” because of the negative connotations that it now has for so many people, but I also realize that when she wrote this it wasn’t the same problem. She gives me a lot of food for thought though. Most of it is not “new”, but rather a gentle encouragement that I am on the right track. That is so perfect, since that is what we are to do for our children as well :)

Delightful habits

Ever since my first reading of Charlotte Mason’s works, this was an idea that really stood out to me. Good habits are often viewed as being a chore in our society. Many parents feel guilty if their young children automatically pick up after themselves and decide to let them off of the hook because they view it as being so laborious. Soon those good habits are replaced with bad ones. Either way, you are still dealing with habits.

A while back I wrote about Ms. Mason’s description of habits. I love the way she describes it. It is so easy for me to forget that once a habit is a habit, it is no longer difficult to do. It is harder not to do it. If we allow ourselves or our children to lose good habits, then we are doing more harm than good. We are making it so that it will be that much more difficult to retrain our minds to do the right thing once again – the thing that used to be natural to us. Here is what Ms. Mason says about the ease that comes with habits

For a habit is a delight in itself; poor human nature is conscious of the ease that it is to repeat the doing of anything without effort; and, therefore, the formation of a habit, the gradually lessening of the sense of effort in a given act, is pleasurable.

This is so true, not only for our children, but also for ourselves. As most of you know, I am pregnant.  I have been struggling with keeping up my old habits. Today starts my second trimester (woohoo!) and this week has been the first time that I haven’t felt completely drained, sick, and useless. Now I am having to reform the habits that I had before we moved. Just a few months ago I was able to keep the house meticulous so that people could pop in for a showing at any moment. Since getting out of that habit, it is difficult to even get my house ready for planned guests, and that still isn’t “show worthy” like my house was before. My kids were also into the same habit. They were picking up after themselves. My son would run the sweeper each time before we left the house. My daughter would move all of our shoes. We knew what to do. Now we have will have to put in extra effort just to get back to where we were. I am so sad about this, because we were all so proud of our house and it really wasn’t a chore. It was natural.

Of course, Charlotte Mason discusses this next

This is one of the rocks that mothers sometimes split upon: they lose sight of the fact that a habit, even a good habit, becomes a real pleasure; and when the child has really formed the habit of doing a certain thing, his mother imagines that the effort is as great to him as at first, that it is a virtue in him to go on making this effort, and that he deserves, by way of reward, a little relaxation–she will let him break through the new habit a few times, and then go on again. But it is not going on; it is beginning again, and beginning in the face of obstacles. The ‘little relaxation’ she allowed her child meant the forming of another contrary habit, which must be overcome before the child gets back to where he was before.

And now for the real reason I love Charlotte Mason. She goes into how you form habits, and it is so gentle… so loving… not harsh in any way. I have learned through experience that my whole family functions best if I speak in this way.  I am so happy to see it addressed in a book, especially a book that was written so many years ago.

As CM talks about her example of a mother teaching a child to shut the door behind him when he leaves

For two or three times Johnny remembers; and then, he is off like a shot and half-way downstairs before his mother has time to call him back. She does not cry out, ‘Johnny, come back and shut the door!’ because she knows that a summons of that kind is exasperating to big or little. She goes to the door, and calls pleasantly, ‘Johnny!’ Johnny has forgotten all about the door; he wonders what his mother wants, and, stirred by curiosity, comes back, to find her seated and employed as before. She looks up, glances at the door, and says ‘I said I should try to remind you.’ ‘Oh, I forgot,’ says Johnny, put upon his honour; and he shuts the door that time, and the next, and the next.

No yelling. No freaking out. Just gently reminding the children. In the part above this section, CM shows how the mom introduces the idea of the new habit. It is loving and gentle, and she promises to help the child remember. You are working together, not punishing the child into compliance.

So today I am working on habit training again: first for myself, and then for my children. I need to regain my lost ground, and then my children will follow behind. I can’t expect their habits to be better than mine.  I need to model right behavior once again.

Book Diet – Day 3 (Weekend)

Here’s my weekend edition of our book diet :) We’ve read more books than this, but this gives you a good idea. Here’s my thought for the day, courtesy of The Read-Aloud Handbook

NAEP studies reported the more printed materials found in a child’s home, the higher the student’s writing, reading, and math skills. (NAEP 1992 Trends in Academic Progress)

Our Book Diet – Day 1 (10/25)

As many of you know, I am working through Trelease’s The Read-Aloud Handbook. It has really inspired me to make sure that I am not just reading to my kids at bedtime, but rather making read-aloud time a big part of our day. I have decided to focus from now until Thanksgiving on making sure that my kids are getting a healthy “diet” of great books. We’ve slacked a lot due to our impending move, and this is something that I don’t want to see fall by the wayside.

Feel free to join me! I’m going to try to post at least 10 books a day that we’ve read. That’s my minimum. My kids would probably read 100, but 10 is a good goal for me, as it is a reasonable amount of my day to spend on reading to them without it being too overwhelming for us right now. :)

Yesterday was almost all chapter books (Winnie the Pooh especially), so today is lighter fare :)

Today’s picks: (2 of these were read to me by my 4yo…)

Are we failing our boys?

A woman on one of my email lists suggested this book, and I am loving it! I’ve already found a lot of things that I want to discuss and ponder.

I am especially interested in his assertion that families in our country, and especially fathers, are doing a disservice to young men and boys by giving them the idea that reading is a “girly” thing to do.

…one place where there is never a shortage of males is in our remedial reading classes, where boys make up more than 70 percent of the enrollment. In American remedial classes, that is. Boys don’t constitute 70 percent of remedial students in many other countries. In Insraeli remedial classes, there are no gender differences. In Finland, England, Nigeria, India, and Germany, the girls outnumber the boys. It can’t be genetics.

I would’ve guessed that India would’ve had that statistic, and I honestly wasn’t too surprised about American boys being behind girls in reading. I’m trying to figure out why I just accept that though. I obviously don’t think it is genetic. Trelease has his own ideas about why this is.  We’ll get to that later though.  Back to the statistics:

According to… research, boys are more likely than girls to repeat a grade or drop out of school, suffer from more learning disabilities, are three times more likely to be enrolled in special-education classes, are more likely to be involved in criminal and delinquent behavior, are less likely to be enrolled in college-prep classes, have lower educational expectations, lower reading and writing scores, read less for pleasure, and do less homework. Even those males who eventually reach college are less likely to graduate than females, largely due to their macho-male behavior while they are there; as Riordan notes, “while in college they spend more time than women exercising, partying, watching TV, or playing video games.”

When it comes to schooling, its been long known that girls were better in the early years, but boys passed them in the later years. This is no longer true.

Thanks to concerted social and academic efforts, girls’ high school and college scores have risen for the past two decades. But during the same period, the boys’ scores have taken a nosedive.

An immediate measure of the downshift among young males in the last decade can be seen in the number of students taking the Advanced Placement exams. AP courses allow achieving high school students to gain college credit while still in high school… The girls’ rate of AP courses has shown a steady climb, while the boys rate has taken two dips and allowed a wide margin to grow between the sexes.

In 1970, males outnumbered females in college enrollment by a ratio of 59 to 41. By 2000, that ratio had been reversed to 57 to 42 in favor of women. Granted, the women’s movement raised the bar for female achievement in the classroom, but what’s been going on with the guys?

I was thinking about the women’s movement as I was reading this section. I’d love to see an egalitarian movement take hold for men where they could be encouraged to be smart and excel without a bunch of machismo and chest beating. That’d be nice.

So now Trelease talks about his theory on what is happening, and it has a lot to do with a larger emphasis on sports (24-hour channels, etc) for men and a deeper encouragement (or at least modeling) that focuses on engaging athletics rather than academics. Regardless of education level, the average was the same for families: fathers read only 15% of the time, mothers 76%, and others 9%.

The right call for fathers is to be involved intellectually as well as athletically with a child. If a child must wait until junior high or middle school before encountering a male in the act of reading, the idea that reading is for girls will already have taken deep root in his mind. We have to short-circuit that dangerous thinking and convince American males that it is not only possible but preferable for fathers to be athletically and intellectually involved in their children’s lives. A father can play catch in the backyard after dinner and, on the same night, read to the child for fifteen minutes. He can take him to the basketball game on Friday night and the library on Saturday morning.

My dh is wonderful at this. He reads with the kids all the time, and they also see him reading. I feel so very thankful. There are some days when he reads to my kids and I don’t ::ducking my head::. And its not that I’m not a reader (obviously!), but that is something that dh makes sure ALWAYS happens at bedtime. I’m saddened to hear how rare this is :(

Trains of thought

From Home Education by Charlotte Mason (from the chapter “Habit is Ten Natures”)

…it is as if every familiar train of thought made a rut in the nervous substance of the brain into which the thoughts run lightly of their own accord, and out of which they can only be got by an effort of will.

I’ve been studying a lot about habit training and discipling recently. I really love Charlotte Mason’s descriptions of habits. Here she speaks of an older child who should “know better”, but was never trained properly and as such his brain now naturally functions in the other way.

And to correct bad habits of speaking, for instance, it will not be enough for the child to intend to speak plainly and to try to speak plainly; he will not be able to do so habitually until some degree of new growth has taken place… whilst he is making efforts to form the new habit.

Any sequence of mental action which has been frequently repeated, tends to perpetuate itself; so that we find ourselves automatically prompted to think, feel, or do what we have been before accustomed to think, feel, or do, under like circumstances, without any consciously formed purpose or anticipation of results.

I know how true this is as an adult, even when we “know better”. If we have trained ourselves to habitually perform a bad habit, it is an effort to behave differently. I am just now considering how early these habits are formed and how much easier life will be for my children if they are already used to the good habits rather than having bad ones they have to break.

My thoughts on the same-sex marriage ban

In case you just crawled out from under your rock |-|
ABC News: Senate Rejects Amendment on Gay Marriage

My recent reading of Dumbing Us Down has really shaped my thoughts on this ban. The whole book has changed the way that I look at legislation, but the last chapter was what really made me start thinking.

As I shared yesterday, Gatto asserts that when you order change in behavior then what actually happens it that people appear to change and yet they harbor a huge amount of resentment and end up exacting vengence in a way far worse than if you had allowed the community to change outside of legislation. He backs this up with data about racism, patriarchy, drug use, and alcoholism.

I was thinking back on his theory today as my dh and I talked about the gay marriage ban, and I couldn’t help but agree with Mr. Gatto. Any way that I played out the scenario, it still wouldn’t really accomplish its set “goal”.

So here are my thoughts. I am assuming one big thing here: that it is almost exclusively (or at least a majority of) Christians who are in favor of this ban. My responses are what I would say to any fellow Christian.

1. If the ban were to pass and gay marriage was banned.

Would anything really change? Gay families would still be living together. The sin would still be happening. Even if the ban were somehow able to stop homosexual behavior (which is pretty ridiculous to even assume) then it is still a “bass-ackwards” way to solve the problem of sin. How many times do Christians tell people that they don’t need to be perfect to come to Christ? How many times are we told in the Bible that we can’t expect people of the world to live sinless lives? We all need God’s grace, and we are given it “while we were still sinners.” The change in life comes after salvation, not before.

What about Christians who are homosexual and would wish to get married?
I don’t think this would change anything either. As the band Hangnail says in their song “No Name Yet” (a song about abortion, btw)

Those man-made laws don’t mean a thing

It doesn’t matter what man says – what matters is what God says. If Christians are already choosing to sin in this area, do you think a man made law will change it?

2. If the ban doesn’t pass
Is marriage really threatened because there isn’t a ban on gay marriage? If you want to protect marriage, maybe we should have a ban on living together. Maybe a ban on sex outside of marriage would help. Some Christians would probably like a ban on hand holding. That leads to sex… don’t you know?

So really I think this ban is irrelevant no matter what eventually happens. We can’t change people’s hearts by force, and if we want to ban sins, then we’ve got a long list to get going on…

The Congregational Principle

Well, we’ve made it to the final chapter in Dumbing Us Down, and I have really enjoyed this book ) I really encourage everyone to read it!

So let’s dive in, shall we? It seems like this chapter has come up in most of my conversations this week. It really is excellent.

Gatto starts the chapter by exploring a bit of a case study into the Colonial New England town of Dedham. He talks about the church there and how rigid they were when they first started. In town, only Congregationalists were welcome, and anyone else risked being “shunned, persecuted, or even burned at the stake”. He tells stories of Unitarians being treated like invaders when they came through the city. Needless to say, Dedham was not a place that welcomed new thoughts and ideas.

Even though this seems like a sea of conformity, Gatto shows how, ironically, their way of life actually demanded individuality. Their church services were free of liturgy, and emphasized local preaching on local issues. This means that there was a constant struggle as each person acted as their own priest and expert. This leads to a “progress toward truth.” This is also called “the dialectic.”

Central planners of any period despise the dialectic because it gets in the way of efficiently broadcasting “one right way” to do things. Half a century ago Bertrand Russell remarked that the United States was the only major country on earth that deliberately avoided teaching its children to think dialectically. He was talking about twentieth-century America, of course, the land of compulsory government schooling, not the New England of Congregational distinction… Roger Williams saw as clearly as any person of his time and recognized the inevitable connection between dissonance and quality of life. You can’t have one without the other.

Gatto is not referring to discipline here, but this topic came up in our “Young Parents” Bible study that we lead. We are going through Families Where Grace is in Place, and we came upon the part where VanVonderen addresses how part of what 2-year-olds have to learn is to disagree. Some parents feel that their children should never say “no”, never disagree, and only blindly accept, but that doesn’t teach children to grow up and make responsible decisions for themselves. That only raises robots who are paralyzed when they come to a decision point. You have to let your children practice in a safe environment where its ok to make mistakes. That will enable them to succeed once they are out in the real world.

But, back to Gatto’s point…. Each city in Colonial New England was able to set their own rules and there was no “one right way” of doing things. Some cities worked like a commune and shared their work, while others favored private ownership and individual choice. This allowed cities to work as they wished, and allowed for creativity and individual choice as opposed to forced compliance.

Something else that was special about those Colonial towns:

I think it hides a secret of great power, which social engineers who built and maintain our government monopoly schools are forced to overlook: Each town was able to exclude people it didn’t like! People were able to choose whom they wanted to work with, to sort themselves into a living curriculum that worked for them. The words of the first Dedham charter catch this feeling perfectly; the original settlers wanted to (and did) shut out “people whose dispositions do not suit us, whose very society will be hurtful to us.”

That’s pretty much the exact opposite of the politically correct culture, eh?

…these early towns functioned like selective clubs… narrowing human differences down to a range that could be managed by them humanely. If you consider the tremendous stresses the dialectical process sets up anyway — where all people are their own priests, their own final masters — it’s hard to see how a congregational society can do otherwise. If you have to accept everyone, no matter how hostile they may be to your own personality, philosophy, or mission, then an oganization would quickly become paralyzed by fatal disagreement.

The point is that there is not one perfect choice for everyone. Every town didn’t fit every person’s needs, so they needed to find a new town. The Greeks had a story about a man who tried to make everyone uniform

…his name was Procustes. He cut or stretched travellers to fit his guest bed. The system worked perfectly, but it played havoc with the traveller.

So the Greeks understood what we cannot.

These New Englanders invented a system where people who wanted to live and work together could do so… It was almost as if by taking care of your own business you succeeded in some magical fashion in taking care of public business too…

This catches a piece of what’s wrong with compulsory schools as large as New England towns, schools that don’t allow any choice of curricula, philosophy, or companions.

Its not that those were perfect times though. The citizens of Dedham whipped Quaker women out of town and did the same to Presbyterians. They were not exactly model citizens… And yet, Massachusetts has gone from being some of the most intolerant people in our nation’s history to being the most liberal state in the Union. So how did they manage to teach themselves to reform without government intervention? What made them change?

Something mysterious inside the structure of Congregationalism worked to have them abandon some of the exclusivity that adherence to Biblical elite dogma had taught them.
I am certain that “something” was nearly unconditional local choice. And it was self-correcting! Because the town churches did not team up to present an institutional orthodoxy that made each town just like another — as government monopoly schools do today — error in one church could be countered by its correction in another. As long as people had the choice to vote with their feet, the free market pushed severe errors by leaving a congregation empty, just as it could reward a good place by filling it up.

My friend was telling me the other day about a blog post that she read that addressed a similar issue. It was talking about choice on both ends. It describes a ridiculous scenario where you would be forced to grocery shop in a certain store based on your home location. The grocery store would not compete because it already had your business. They would stop stocking the shelves and soon you’d have to lie and cheat to find a grocery store that was satisfactory. This is the same idea that Gatto is presenting in this chapter.

But maybe you feel it takes too long for people to naturally correct, so we need to force it. Does forcing it really work?

…things legislated out of existence, like alcohol and drug abuse or racism, don’t seem to go away as religious exclusivity went away naturally in New England under a regime of local choice; instead, law appears to give bad habits an injection of virulent new life…

He then talks about the changes that have come around since the “women’s revolution”

…if sharply accelerated rates of suicide, heart disease, emotional illness, sterility, and other pathological conditions are an indicator, the admission of women en masse to the unisex workplace is not an unmixed blessing. Further, some disturbing evidence exists that the income of working couples in 1990 has only slightly more purchasing power than the income of the average working man did in 1910. In effect, two laborers are now being purchased for the price of one — an outcome Adam Smith or David Ricardo might have predicted. And an unseen social cost of all of this has been the destruction of family life, the loss of home as sanctuary or haven, and the bewilderment of children who, since infancy, have been raised by strangers.

Whoa. I’ll have to research that one and get back to you ;)

Still, the point exists that Dedham changed without legislation.

But if they had been ordered to change, ordered, as other immmigrants were, to change their behavior and to abandon their culture to compulsory schools set up for that purpose, I think what would have happened is this: some of them would have seemed to change but would have harbored such powerful resentments at being deprived of choice that some way to exact vegence would have evolved.

OK, now I see where he was going with his examples of women (he also talks about “Black Americans” (as he says it) and drug policies…) He’s saying that if you force people to change, then they end up resentful and passive aggressively choosing the old way. Interesting.

Back to the free market in education though

By preventing a free market in education, a handful of social engineers, backed by the industries that profit from compulsory schooling — teacher colleges, textbook publishers, materials suppliers, and others — has ensured that most of our children will not have an education, even though they may be thoroughly schooled.

We have no choice of schools. Gatto believes that our students are simply waiting to be fed. We need people to tell us every step of the way what should be done. We, on a whole, have problems doing tasks with creativity and instead wait for instructions.

I think we’ve all seen on tv when students are asked simple questions and they can’t answer them, but apparently this is not a new issue.

… in 1951, a survey made of 30,000 Los Angeles school children discovered that seventy-five percent of eighth graders couldn’t find the Atlantic Ocean on a map and most of them couldn’t calculate fifty percent of thirty-six. From my personal experiences, I stand witness that the situation is certainly not better today.

Yowsa. My 4 year old can find it on a globe

So Gatto wraps up the book and the chapter by suggesting several things:

  1. Turn your back on national solutions and toward communities of families… Turn inward until we master “knowing thyself.”
  2. Encourage and underwrite experimentation; trust children and families to know what is best for themselves; stop the segregation of children and the aged in walled compounds; involve everyone in every community in the education of the young: businesses, institutions, old people, whole families
  3. Don’t be panicked by scare tactics into surrendering your children to experts. There is abundant evidence that less than a hundred hours is sufficient for a person to become totally literate and a self-teacher.
  4. Give tax money back to families and let them choose their schools. Allow a free-market model to exist. Far better ideas will come out of a free market than could ever come from an institution

So, in the end, I really enjoyed this book. Thanks for kinda sorta reading along with me D It helped to work through my feelings this way!

High school majors?

Florida Requires Majors in High School – New York Times

Hmmm, I’m not sure what I think of this.

In light of my John Taylor Gatto readings, I can see both good and bad.

The good: It is a step towards remomving the “one right way” path that students must currently travel. It would allow students to customize their education and study things that they enjoy.

It almost seems a little closer to the tradesman model. Where you could start focusing a little earlier.

The bad: Most college students can’t even pick and keep a major during their 4 years, so how can a 13 year old be expected to choose one as she enters high school? My career expectations at 13 were quite different from what they are now.

Could colleges start to look at high school majors and expect (or offer priority to) students who had selected the same major for both high school and college. Would it be more difficult to change your career path as you started college?

So… what do you think?