Time Spent Together

The National Family Institute reported that the average American child spends 12.5 minutes each day communicating with her parents. Of that time, 8.5 minutes are spent on corrections, criticisms, or arguments. A University of Iowa study revealed that on average, a child hears 432 negative comments daily, compared to 32 positive ones (Hochschild, 1997.)

Isn’t that a scary number?

Here’s another one:

If you concentrate on playing with young children for at least five minutes a day, you may reduce power struggles by as much as fifty percent.

Amen! I completely agree!

I’ve been reading Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Becky Bailey for the past few weeks, and it has been wonderful. It has really been the perfect timing for me. As with almost all parenting books we read, Joe and I have been using the techniques primarily on ourselves, lol. It is humbling to see all of the ways that we can improve. What I really love about this book is the focus on your own thought patterns and how they impact your relationships with others.

I hope to come back and discuss it more… Hopefully in the next week! I am insanely busy between the kids, midwifery school, finishing my doula certification, working on my herbalism class, and taking a few web design jobs. Hopefully it’ll slow down soon… I have a big assignment to turn in for my midwifery school and I expect to have a little more blogging time once it is submitted. :) (Well, except then it’ll be time to work on the next big assignment, LOL!)

Christ and Firing Squads

Today I was reading this story:

Condemned Utah Killer Will Face Firing Squad

http://abcnews.go.com/US/TheLaw/wirestory?id=10455328&page=2

I am not sure why I clicked on it… I am guessing that it has something to do with how bizarre it sounds to still have people facing firing squads. As I was reading the article, two things struck me that I wanted to flesh out somewhere.

The article says

…despite Utah’s strong religious roots — it’s the home of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints — most here support the use of the death penalty.

“I think in Utah, when it suits their purposes, they go back to the Old Testament and the ‘eye for an eye’ kind of thing,” Kalish said. “These people may be the worst of the worst, but if the best we can do is repeat the same thing, it’s so obviously wrong.”

I am always amazed that the “religious right” is also associated with the death penalty. It just seems so ridiculous. Let me preface by saying that this is a difficult subject for me. I have friends who have had family members murdered, and part of me feels uncomfortable telling them what should happen to someone who destroyed their family. At the same time, I don’t see any way that you can justify it as the “Christian” thing to do. I don’t think that anyone should have a right to have someone else killed just because they did the same. As the quote above says, ‘if the best we can do is the same thing, it’s so obviously wrong.’

As Shane Claiborne says in Jesus for President,

Violence kills the image of God in us… Violence goes against everything we are created for — to love and be loved — so it inevitably ends in misery and suicide, either literal or metaphorical.

When people succumb to violence, it infects them like a disease or poison that leads to their own death. Judas, the disciple who betrayed Jesus with a violent kiss, ended his life by hanging himself… Columbine, the 2006 Amish school shooting, the 9/11 terrorist attacks, the Virginia Tech massacre — each ended with suicide.

It’s in moments like these violent times that grace looks so magnificent. It’s in the shadow of violence that a victim’s grace to a muderer’s family shines so brightly, as in the aftermath of the Amish school shooting. It’s even more scandalous to think of killing someone who kills, for they, more than anyone in the world, need to hear that they are created for something better than that.

The second thing that stood out to me in the article was the fact that the man who was killed was also a pacifist.

“Michael would not be happy at all. Michael would have fought against the death penalty. That’s who he was,” said Temu, 62, a Salt Lake City-area funeral director who knew Burdell through their membership in the Summum church.

A pacifist who was drafted into the U.S. Army, Burdell served in Vietnam but vowed to never use a weapon on another person, Temu said.

To me, this makes it even more heartbreaking. The man who was killed would not have wanted his murderer’s life demanded in return. It is sad that the cycle of violence will continue on, and yet we know that redemptive violence is a myth. You cannot bring peace through violence. This act will ripple on as more are impacted through this execution.

Part of me wants to say that I don’t know what the answer is, but I truly believe that we Christians can see the answer by looking to the Bible. Why is it that the church has politically aligned ourselves with an idea that is so far from the concept of grace?

Nonviolent Communication

Oh man!

I have recently learned that I am apparently a very violent communicator.  My husband seems to be taking great joy in pointing this out, LOL. Luckily for me, he’s just as violent as I am, HA! (Wait, is that violent to say?!)  I guess I should write a couple of posts on this, but it basically comes down to the fact that I speak judgments.  I am a quick judge, and I tend to speak my judgments as fact.  I know its hard to believe, but speaking that way can put other people on the defensive.  (NO WAY?!)  So why do I do it?

Long before I reached adulthood, I learned to communicate in an impersonal way which did not require me to reveal what was going on inside myself.  When I encountered people or behaviors that I either didn’t like or didn’t understand, I would react in terms of their wrongness.  If my teachers assigned a task I didn’t want to do, they were “mean” or “unreasonable.”  If someone pulled out in front of me in traffic, my reaction would be, “You idiot!”  When we speak this language, we think and communicate in terms of what is wrong with others for behaving in a certain ways….

Ahh, yes.  That’s what I do.  I am afraid that I am the first one to judge others actions and think in terms of what others have done wrong.

Our attention is focused on classifying, analyzing, and determining factors of wrongness rather than on what we and others need and are not getting.  Thus, if my partner wants more affection than I’m giving her, she is “needy and dependent.”  But if I want more affection than she is giving me, then she is “aloof and insensitive.”  If my colleague is more concerned about details than I am, he is “picky and compulsive.”  On the other hand, if I am more concerned about details than he is, he is “sloppy and disorganized.”

Ohhh, sucky.  I do that too.  I speak like that often.

It is my belief that all such analyses of other human beings are tragic expressions of our own values and needs.  They are tragic because when we express our values and needs in this form, we increase defensiveness and resistance among the very people whose behaviors are of concern to us.  Or, if people do agree to act in harmony with our values, they will likely do so out of fear, guilt, or shame, because they concur with our analysis of their wrongness.

Crap, crap crap.  I don’t want people acting in harmony with me only because I’ve guilted or shamed them into it.  I really do want to build everyone up and live in peace.  It looks like I have a new project…

Seriously, this book is really awesome.  I’m afraid that I have yet to master communicating nonviolently, so you’ll have to wait for the solution in a future post.  For now, I can say that I realize that I communicate like scum, and I am trying to speak my feelings rather than judgments.  The hilarious thing is that I tell my kids to speak their feelings and needs all the time, and I somehow decided it doesn’t apply for grown ups.  Fantastic.

At least I can learn about my hypocrisy now, while they’re still young. :P

A disappointing ending

I finished The Powers That Be. Overall, I’d still recommend the book. I really am not a fan of the last chapter, though. I already returned it to the library. That means I don’t have any cool quotes to share, so we’ll both have to rely on my mommy brain to describe what I read.

Basically, he paints a picture of a weak God, IMO. He said that God would like to answer our prayers, but his hands are pretty much tied because the principalities and powers of nations/organizations/etc. are fighting it out in the heavenlies, and there’s not much God can do while they’re in the midst of it.

His theory is based on Daniel 10

12 Then he continued, “Do not be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to them. 13 But the prince of the Persian kingdom resisted me twenty-one days. Then Michael, one of the chief princes, came to help me, because I was detained there with the king of Persia. 14 Now I have come to explain to you what will happen to your people in the future, for the vision concerns a time yet to come.”

He says that the word used for princes is really talking about angels/principalities/powers, and that when we pray, they are battling it out. He says that God wants to answer our prayers, but has to wait for them to finish wrestling. If you google “Walter Wink Daniel 10″, you should get plenty of results (including the google books result) that will sum up his position quite nicely.

I guess my biggest issue is that it is a really big piece of theology to hang on one chapter from Apocalyptic literature. He might be absolutely right, although I am just not sold on the idea.

I think that ending the book with that particular argument could turn off a lot of people who would’ve been a lot more impressed in his work before that point. I don’t know. Its still a good book, but I didn’t love that chapter.

Recently finished books

I’ve been reading so much, but I haven’t had a chance to talk about all of them. Here’s a quick recap though of what I covered in the past month or so…

This is such a nice little book. Joe and I each read it in a matter of hours. It covers some really interesting historical facts about Christmas, and then focuses on ways to bring joy to the holiday without making it all commercial. He explains that “hundred dollar” part of the title was really just because it sounded good with the word “holiday”, and you can use any amount that you pick. I really enjoyed his suggestions and ideas for different ways to celebrate Christmas.

This was another fast read. I really enjoyed it, though. Peggy Vincent and I clearly have a few philosophical differences when it comes to midwifery, but I found her story to be very relatable and encouraging. As I continue to consider a path to midwifery, this book gave me pause and helped me to really contemplate what kind of midwife I’d like to be. Good stuff.

I was really enthralled by Heart & Hands. I couldn’t put it down. The funniest part was that I was taking it EVERYWHERE with me, and I was getting the strangest glances, LOL. I was at a birthday party with my daughter and reading about suturing techniques if a woman tears during childbirth. The other moms around me kept scooting in closer and closer to read over my shoulder. They couldn’t figure out what it was. Finally, one of them asked, so I explained what kind of book I was reading, and then I got a good hour of hearing about other women’s birth stories. It made me laugh, because I remember a quote in _Pushed_ that talked about how a midwife’s life is pretty much the same whether they are in or out of jail: they just hear other women’s birth stories. I have found it so intriguing that everyone wants to share their birth story as soon as I mention anything about birth work. Funny.

I’m not quite done with this book yet, but I’m really enjoying reading about all of the different philosophies and paths that bring women to midwifery. It is really helping me to figure out where my passion lies.

OK, I’m going to have to do a few entries on The Ministry of Motherhood, because it really made me think. I love Sally Clarkson’s writings, and I could read her books all day. Joe and I were talking over the weekend about how there are times when you feel convicted to do something, but then your resolve starts to waiver… until you pick up a book that gives you a swift kick in the butt and reminds you of why you wanted to change in the first place. That’s exactly what her books do for me. I start to slack, and then she reminds me to keep running the race!

I just finished my first, official, group Beth Moore study. I bought Breaking Free years ago, and really liked it, but I had never done a group study with the videos and all that jazz. It was a great experience. I loved the daily workbook stuff, and her teachings really coincided with stuff that God has been teaching me elsewhere.

Sadly, this isn’t even all of the books that I’ve read, but lunch is ready, so I have to run! If you’ve been reading anything interesting recently, please comment and let me know! I’m always on the hunt for good books!

The Gift of the Enemy

Continuing on, with my new best friend, Walter Wink.  LOL.  I don’t think that his ideas are that shocking, but I think it is shocking to see how few of them are applied in mainstream Christian circles.

 

So my last entry was about how we need to let go of the thought of ourselves as God’s favored, and our enemies as unloved. God loves everyone, and “is kind to the ungrateful and the wicked”, so maybe we should try a little of the same, eh?  We’re actually pretty sucky ourselves, in our natural state, so its time to get off of our high horses.

On to Mr. Wink (fantastic name, btw.)

Once the spell of the perfectionist reading has been exorcised, we begin to see just how far from perfect Jesus assumed we are.  ”Why do you see the speck in your neighbor’s eye, but do not notice the log in your own eye?  Or how can you say to your neighbor, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ while the log is in your own eye?  You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your neighbor’s eye.” (Matt. 7:3-5)

I really do love those verses.  I have lots o’ logs.

This is the earliest known teaching of what modern psychologists call projection…  The “splinter” in the other’s eye is a chip off the same log that is in one’s own eye.  We see in the other what we would not see in ourselves.  But why is it a log in the eye of the beholder?  Isn’t that backward?  Normally we say, “I may be somewhat bad (a splinter), but that person is really bad (a log).”  Why has Jesus inverted that conventional way of putting it?

Again, I suck at this.  I totally do this all the time.  God is working on me, and He is changing me, but I am so prone to this type of thinking.  I apparently tend to think that my poop doesn’t stink, because that’s how I act.

Because the log in my eye totally blinds me.  I can see nothing objectively.  Remove the log, and I can see to help my neighbor remove his or her splinter.  

I am super-blinded by my logs.  Its pathetic.

In workshops on this theme I invite people to name an enemy and list all the things they dislike about that person (or group or movement or nation).  Then we ask them to go through that list and ask how many of those characteristics are true also of themselves (or our group or movement or nation).  The common elements identify our projections.  These can be taken into our meditation, prayer, and spiritual guidance, to see what they have to teach us about ourselves.  (Some things on our lists may not be projections.  There are people who are objectively hostile, even evil.  Not every enemy is a gift.  I am focusing only on those enemies that draw our projections.)

OK, so I tried this mentally, and it was pretty disturbing.  This is not my first time doing this exercise.  I remember doing it in college, and have noticed that i am most annoyed by people who have the same faults as I do.  I think this is a great gift in parenting.  I recently did an exercise for a parenting Bible study that asked me to write down the things that frustrate me most in my family members.  My family members are obviously not my enemies, so that part doesn’t apply here, but I did find the list interesting.  The things that I struggled the most with knowing how to handle are also things that I am not so great at handling in myself.  Humbling.

Walter Wink gives some examples of things that frustrate you in others that you need to work on.  Then he says:

Revelations such as these (and they are precisely that) need to be treasured, because that is the gift our enemy brings to us: to see aspects of ourselves that we cannot discover any other way.  Our friends are not good sources of information about these things; they often overlook or ignore these parts of us.  The enemy is thus not merely a hurdle to be leapt on the way to God.  The enemy can be the way to God.  We cannot come to terms with our shadow except through our enemy, for we have no better access to those unacceptable parts of ourselves that need redeeming than through the mirror that our enemies hold up to us.  This, then, is another, more intimate reason for loving our enemies: we are dependent on our enemies for our very individuation.  We cannot be whole people without them.

How wonderfully humiliating: we not only may have a role in transforming our enemies, but our enemies can play a role in transforming us.

What?  I’m not the savior of them?!  They help me?!  Craziness.

As we become aware of our projections on our enemies, we are freed from the fear that we will overreact murderously toward them.  We are able to develop an objective rage at the injustices they have perpetrated while still seeing them as children of God.  The energy squandered nursing hatred becomes available to God for confronting the wrong or transforming the relationship.

I have found this to be true, although I think I am still in my infancy in this process.  Being able to step back and still see those who hurt you as children of God is so freeing, but so difficult (at least for me.)

An understanding of the Powers makes forgiveness of our enemies easier.  If our oppressors “know not what they do,” if they, too, are victims of the delusional system, then the real target of our hate and anger can be the system itself rather than those who carry out its bidding.  ”For our struggle is not against enemies of blood and flesh, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers of this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places” (Eph. 6:12).  We can pray for the transformation of our enemies, knowing that even the most intractable opponents may be capable of complete turnabout, and that some have actually done so.

Interestingly enough, this was the topic of my Beth Moore study last night.  Once again, when Beth Moore agrees with practically anyone else that I’m studying, then I think that’s a big deal.  I’m pretty sure that pretty much the only thing that overlaps between these authors is Christ, LOL.

Joe and I had a discussion about how all of this relates to America’s position in the world, and it was really good.  We both realize how much we’ve bought into the myth of redemptive violence – the idea that violence makes peace.  Somehow it seems like so much of mainstream Christianity is saying that we can accomplish peace through violence, and yet that was not the way of Christ at all.  Are there times when we must stand up against evil and cruelty?  Absolutely.  Is violence the only way to do that?  Of course not.  

We can look to history to see example after example of nations being healed without violence.  Even our own revolution in America had many non-violent aspects.  We just abandoned them for war.  The problem is that violence breeds violence, and its not like it really even works.  Lets just look around.  Does the world look more peaceful?  Uh, no.  More civilians were killed in the 20th century than in every century before that combined.  Clearly our methods of violence aren’t making for a more peaceful world, and we know its not what Christ taught.  How is it that Christianity in America has become so entangled with the myth of redemptive violence?

I don’t know the answer.  I did find it interesting to try the above exercise with America’s enemies vs. America.  We don’t exactly come out looking like roses.  ;)  We’re not all bad, of course, and we do a lot of things very well.  I also believe that America, on a whole, is trying to do the right thing.  I think it is just easy to get misguided.

So… if I come up with a solution to world peace, I’ll let you know.  Until then, I’m going to keep working on applying these examples in my (much smaller and more manageable) day-to-day life.

God’s favor

I have two entries mulling around in my mind for tonight. I’m going to give this one a go first and then try the other one if my mind isn’t mush yet ;)

 

OK, so I’ve been reading The Powers That Be by Walter Wink. Fascinating stuff. It was recommended in the footnotes of Irresistible Revolution, and it really develops Shane Claiborne’s ideas of embracing pacifism without being passive. Good stuff.

One of the sections that I’ve really been enjoying in this book is all about God’s favor and the idea of God hating our enemies. Here’s the funny thing about that thought. God is love. He loves everyone. We know this. Let’s take a look at Luke 6.

Love for Enemies

27″But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. 29If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. 30Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. 31Do to others as you would have them do to you.
32″If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even ’sinners’ love those who love them. 33And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even ’sinners’ do that. 34And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even ’sinners’ lend to ’sinners,’ expecting to be repaid in full. 35But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. 36Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

OK, so we’ve all read those verses a thousand times, right? So how is it that the church, and particularly “the religious right”, seem to forget about them when it comes to policy-making? God is “kind to the ungrateful and wicked”, but are we? Ha. So often the church is too busy focusing on a God that will favor the good based on their righteousness. We know from scripture that the rain falls on both the righteous and the wicked. Why does the church forget this so often? Walter Wink talks about it:

God’s all-inclusive parental care is thus charged with an unexpected consequence for human behavior: we can love our enemies, because God does. If we wish to correspond to the central reality of the universe, we will behave as God behaves–and God embraces all, evenhandly.

Well, crap. That’s not something I do very well.

Our solidarity with our enemies lies not just in our common parentage under God, but also our common evil. God “is kind to the ungrateful and the wicked.” We too, like them, betray what we know in our hearts God desires for the world. We would like to identify ourselves as just and good, but we are a mix of just and unjust, good and evil. If God were not compassionate toward us, we would be lost. And if God is compassionate toward us, with all our unredeemed evil, then God must treat our enemies the same way. As we begin to acknowledge our own inner shadow, we become more tolerant of the shadow in others. As we begin to love the enemy within, we develop the compassion we need to love the enemy without.

Let me just say that I have found this to be so true in my life. It is at my most humbled and broken moments that I can love those who hurt me. It is so much easier to have compassion for others when you realize just how much compassion you need.

If, however, we believe that the God who loves us hates those whom we hate, we insert an insidious doubt into our own selves. Unconsciously we know that a deity hostile toward others is potentially hostile to us as well. And we know, better than anyone, that there is plenty of cause for such hostility. If God did not send sun and rain on everyone equally, God not only would not love everyone, God would love no one.

I am finding this to be so true in my life. I have been through a lot of hurt in the past year, and I feel like God has really used this time to show me all of the compassion that I have (undeservingly) received.  He has also helped me to love those who hurt me. I am so far from perfect that it is not even funny, but I am really enjoying the journey. I love serving a God who loves everyone without them having to act a certain way. That’s how I want to be too. Its an amazing journey to try to get there, and I am thankful for God’s unending patience with me. He knows I need it!

I love hearing voices like Walter Wink’s in the Christian community, because I think this is an area where we could really stand to be challenged.  If we think of God as an angry deity who picks sides, then how will we ever see the image of God in those who are our “enemies”?  Its so hard, but we know that we were ALL created in God’s image, even those who hurt us the very most.  It is only when we can see that piece of God in them that we can reconcile and live the kind of life that Jesus told us to live.

Good stuff.

Cookie love


Oh man, I am in love! I am a cookie freak, and I am always looking for great cookie recipes. I found the most amazing vegan oatmeal raisin (and chocolate chip) cookies in Veganomicon. They are perfectly chewy and moist and just fantastic.

And, of course, the best part about making vegan cookies is that you get to eat the dough without any guilt ;)   No salmonella worries here!

I wasn’t sure if I wanted to buy Veganomicon right away since it is only in hard cover, but it is worth every penny.  This is definitely the kind of cookbook that you want to be able to reach for anytime you want it.

Tomorrow night I’m trying the Pineapple Cashew Quinoa Stir-Fry from Veganomicon, so I’ll let you know how it goes  :)

Homemade Baked Beans

Mmmm! I love slow cooked meals! I finally gave in and bought Fresh From the Vegetarian Slow Cooker, after years of constantly checking it out from the library. It is one of my all-time favorite cookbooks, because it is so easy and kid-friendly.

Today I decided to try the Maple Baked Beans. They are killer! I realize that beans may not exactly be the sexiest looking food, but you’ll just have to take my word on it, lol.  They were perfectly maple-y without it being overpowering.  Very yummy!

Really good in the end…

My rating:

I must admit that I was initially very skeptical of this book. I thought it might be punitive, guilt-based parenting in disguise, and I wrote about that in the past. The fact that the authors appeared on Family Life Today made me even more skeptical, haha. Mr. Turansky graciously responded to my criticisms, and I must humbly admit that I was wrong. I think I misjudged some of his words. I think that I can accept the things that I disagreed with once I look at them in the context of the entire book.

I would absolutely recommend this book to parents on either side of the parenting spectrum. I sincerely believe that my friends who are into punitive parenting would enjoy and learn from this book without being immediately turned off, and I think that my AP/GBD friends would love it just as much. I think it is fully in line with AP philosophy. I especially appreciated the final chapter. It focuses on how our children are not just our children, but also our brothers and sisters in Christ. I wish that more parents thought about this fact. I know that I am guilty of forgetting it very often. I was so impressed to see a mainstream Christian book that tackled this subject.

Overall, I would happily recommend this book to any parent. I even listed (and immediately sent out) my copy on paperbackswap, so that another parent could have access to this excellent resource. I am very strict about what I paperbackswap, because I would never want to send something on that I felt was not encouraging or uplifting for the family who will receive it. That is why I have a horrific copy of “Withhold Not Correction” sitting on my shelf that my mother-in-law gave me years ago. I do NOT want any other family to see someone suggest that you switch your children with a tree branch from your own yard!

Back on topic though… You can read my previous entries about Say Goodbye… on this page. If you end up reading the book, please post and let me know what you thought! I’d love to discuss it :)

Oh, and Merry Christmas!!!