Life and death
Thanks everyone for the comments! In a weird way, hearing your experiences helps me to understand my own
Tonight I’ve been thinking about what I want to do with my life. Not in a global “I want to save the world” or “I want to be a veterinarian” kind of way, but more as a matter of how I want to spend each minute… each second…
Joe’s grandmother is back home and preparing for death. She’s still completely mentally clear and I honestly cannot fathom the things that must be going through her mind. She seems to be anxious or anticipatory or scared of what is to come, since none of us know what it will really be like. The thought of it is just bigger than my brain can grasp.
As she gathers around with her children and grandchildren, she is preparing for her final moments of life. I started thinking tonight about how I would feel if I was suddenly in her place. Despite all of my fear of death (see previous entries), I am not at all prepared. I’m in a weird denial / obsession. If I was in her place, with days to live, I bet I’d wish that I could trade in the month worth of hours that I’ve spent on GCM this year and spend it with my kids or husband instead. I love GCM so much, just like I love running, bellydancing, programming, etc… but I guess I’m not good at understanding the balance between “good” and “best”. I think that God has done things through me and to me thanks to GCM, running, and ChristianPunks, please don’t misunderstand. I guess… I don’t know… I’m such a drastic person. I am so “all-or-nothing”. I’m not good at balance. I’m too passionate or something like that.
Well, thanks for listening to my random musings. I guess I’m just trying to sort this all out in my mind. I’ve just developed a cough in the past hour or so, and now I’m a bit freaked out. I definitely think I need to go pray. My mind is a bit mixed up…
Love ya’. Thanks for reading