posted by amanda on Jul 31
I swear, I have been confusing myself left and right recently!
Todays confusion is over birth control. Fun topic, eh? Anyways, I feel completely confused and torn. I feel bad about any kind of birth control, aside from NFP, and yet I also don’t feel super comfortable about getting pregnant. My pregnancies were all so challenging in their own ways. Obviously, the first baby that we lost didn’t go so great. M’s pregnancy ended with me on bedrest, then with a fully medicated birth, then heart issues for both of us during my labor, etc, etc. With J I had a placental abruption on top of the other issues I always have… I just don’t feel super confident that pregnancy is safe. I lose so much weight from being sick. My iron levels get so low that I can’t even clot after they draw blood. Its just terrible. Still, I kind of long to have a baby again. This is about how old M was when I got pregnant with J…
We switched our insurance when I had my IUD so that we would save $900 a month by dropping our maternity coverage. Since it was expelled during my first real pp cycle, now I’m feeling like a real dunce for taking that risk. What would I do without maternity coverage?!?!?! I can’t even imagine.
So, I’m confused.
Then, yesterday I realized that many of my actions make no sense. For example, I love having a clean, organized house, yet sometimes I’ll take a shirt off of its coat -hanger and then just drop the hanger on the floor. That’s ridiculous. Why do I do that kind of stuff? Why in the world would I do something so contrary to what I like?
I don’t know. I make no sense 
posted by amanda on Jul 26
I know this will probably sound really dorky, but oh well.
I was just adding my old pictures to our family blog, and I came across a picture of my tummy when I was pregnant with M, and it just really humbled me. I can see the outlines of him in my belly, and I’m just so in awe that my amazing little man was so small and came from my body. Its so easy for me to forget the miracle that life is, and that picture really grounded me. I remember when that picture was taken, and I was at such a different place in my life… Looking back now and realizing that M was right there with me through all of my emotions and trials… I don’t know, it just makes me want to bow my head to God, because He truly is amazing.
At the time I had no idea what I was in store for, and all of those emotions just came rushing back… I’m glad that I let my mom take that pic, even though I think I fought her on photographing me pregnant 
posted by amanda on Jul 8
Bellydancing class was great last night! I went ahead and bought the instrumental CD that my instructor sells so that I could have the music that goes with our choreography. I’m sure it sounds silly, but I really had a hard time deciding whether or not to buy it.
About 8 years ago, during my first year of college, I decided and told God that I didn’t want to listen to secular music anymore. It was after a really upsetting concert experience at a secular show, and I’m not even sure why I made that commitment to God. Its really a good example of my personality. I’m so extremist. I don’t even remember exactly what I said, but I know that it was a really serious vow and I’m scared to break it or disappoint God.
Anyways, I made this commitment and in recent years its really been a tough thing for me to decide what I can and cannot do. I’m all trapped in legalism of my own design. If secular music is out, how about commercial jingles on tv? How about kiddie music when that my children like? How about instrumental music? What if its classical? Its just ridiculous. I looked online for Christian middle-eastern music to bellydance to, but I finally decided that I was being legalistic about the whole instrumental music thing. I don’t want to let God down, and it seems so ridiculous.
At 17 I didn’t really consider that my little vow would mean that my kids couldn’t have a Laurie Berkner cd, and I really don’t want that for them. It was all just a reaction to one bad incident. (Sigh)
Anyways, back to my class… It was great! I’m really enjoying it and its nice to get out and do something fun and funky 
My class only has 1 week left, but my instructor invited me to her advanced beginner class, so I think I’ll probably take her up on that offer!
Well, I need to lay J down for her nap. I’m trying to clean like a madwoman today
posted by amanda on Jul 8
Tonight M was unable to sleep because of the fireworks. I expected him to be scared, but instead he told me “I’m watching fireworks! There’s a lot of fireworks outside. (M) likes fireworks!!!”. So, I brought him downstairs with my parents to watch the fireworks out of our front windows.
Watching his little face light up as the fireworks flew through the air was so incredibly beautiful. He was so amazed and awestruck, and it made me start to cry to see life in such a simple way. To him, this was just the coolest night. I could tell that there was nothing on his mind except enjoying the experience. As I wondered “Will that one land on our roof and catch our house on fire?” and “Why are they shooting fireworks when everyone’s kids should be in bed?!”, he was thinking “Whoa, this is so cool!”.
I miss that outlook, but I’m so glad that my son is able to experience it and that I’m able to see it through his eyes.